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New White Sox Hot Dog Expected To Kill Chicagoans By The Thousands

The Chicago White Sox are unveiling this homage to the American lifestyle Tuesday for the game against the Texas Rangers:

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The so-called "Big Slugger" is a Texas invention (a notable absence of gasps fills the room) and is designed to serve four people. But what it really serves is a challenge to every ambitious son of George Washington who sees a thing sitting in a cardboard serving plate and thinks to himself, "That. I can eat that." And when his wife casts an oblique, pained glance at him, he will eat only more furiously thinking, "See, I need to eat all of this -- THAT'S HOW HUNGRY I AM!"

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Examine this diabetes heat map and see if you can guess the locations of places from which WE SHOULD NOT BE EXTRACTING AND REPLICATING RECIPES:

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Yeah, maybe Chicago Style Pizza and Chicago Style Hotdogs are dangerous enough on their own without the infusion of a little Southern Spice (that spice you taste, by the way, is just the sensation your own arteries exploding).