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A Snark Filled Cubs Opening Day Live Blog

Hey all! It's Z.W. Martin here. For the next few hours I will be giving you my live stream of conscience on today's Cubs game against the Washington Nationals. Of course it is Opening Day, so expect complete excitement... until, like, the fourth inning when something else grabs my attention (like a Scrubs marathon, or something). But until then, lets rock and/or roll, friends. Fun time live blogging following the jump.

So Stephen Strasburg and Ryan Dempster are taking the hill today for the Nats and Cubs, respectively. Should be "fun" for the Cubs. But, probably, really not. My predictions. Nats 5 Cubs 2.

Here are the starting lineups.

1:18 - And the most exciting thing to happen all day is happening right now: Bill Murray running the bases, sliding into home and then possibly dying.

1:21 - Len Kasper already sounds depressed.

1:23 - Seriously, guys, keep up with Len and Bob on Twitter, Facebook and by email. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT.

1:25 - FIRST PITCH!!!! And it's a stupid hit by Ian Desmond to right. Stupid Ian Desmond.

1:25 - I think I am going to call Dempster "Red" because it reminds me of Shawshank Redemption and that Morgan Freeman is named Red and is black, but then is all like "it's because I'm Irish." Tehehehe. Who needs rewrites, amirite?

1:28 - Red just walked Danny Espinosa. First and second no one out. This should end well.

1:30 - Ryan "I'm rich, bitch" Zimmerman just flew out extremely deep to center. Wind is blowing in, so all it meant was both runners tagging up. It's Adam "Frenchy" LaRoche's turn to continue to disappoint.

1:33 - Splitski and Frenchy goes down swinging. He really is bad at baseball.

1:34 - Jayson "I'm also rich, bitch, who ya kidding, Zimm" Werth also continues to live up to nothing and flies out to right. Somehow the Nats don't score. Life is good. Life is good.

1:37 - You guys know anything about this Strasburg guy?

1:38 - And DeJesus flies out to center. I am getting this feeling anything in the air is dead. Oh look, first pitch swinging and Darwin Barney grounds out to first. SHOCKING!

1:39 - THE CUBS GOT A HIT! Starlin Castro pops up to the pitcher and nobody can get to it. So cute! He extends his hitting streak to 12 games.

1:40 - Alfonso Soriano pimp walks out of the box... and the ball softly flies into Bernadina's mitt in center... before the warning track.

1:43 - Mark DeRosa lines out to Soriano who does his best fox trot, but ends up catching it anyway.

1:44 - Bernadina gets punk'd by a Red Split City, Utah. (It's near Provo.)

1:45 Wilson Ramos -- the guy who was kidnapped, but nobody talked about -- is up. I wonder if Taken was loosely based on his ordeal. Probably not, though, because he wasn't drugged and sold into female sex slave labor. Then again, who knows? He grounds out to short.

1:49 - Ian Stewart grounds out... to the catcher. Jeff Baker lines out to right on the next pitch. I think that is, like, the third pitch of the inning, or something.

1:51 - Good day to you, sir! That means Byrd strikes out on four pitches. I counted seven total that inning. HE'S ON A PITCH COUNT, GUYS!

1:54 - Fire Arm is hitting and grounds to short. I probably should have mentioned "Fire Arm" is Strasburg. Oops.

1:56 - Stewart boots a Desmond ground ball... new boss, same as the old boss.

1:58 - And Espinosa walks again. How will the Nats not score this time? I'm taking bets. 5-to-1 on a double play.


2:02 - A walk to I'm Rich, Bitch. Bases loaded. There is crap in someone's pants and it appears to be Frenchy's (he's terrible, you see).

2:03 - And Frenchy McPoopy Pants strikes out on three pitches. He's the best, but mostly just the worst.

2:05 - Red is getting angry! Werth takes an excuse me swing 365 feet to the gap and flies out. Inning over. He is such a joy to watch in the "how in the hell did he just do that?" sort of way. His swing is like a warped record that just keeps playing.

2:09 - I went upstair to get some food and there was already an out. Then Dempster broke his bat. I wonder if these guys know Strasburg IS ON A PITCH COUNT.

2:10 - DeJesus swing AT FIRST PITCH, but gets a hit through the middle. Rejoice! The Cubs new signing is a hero.

2:12 - Barney once again proves he is not an everyday major leaguer, gets over-matched/jammed and weakly grounds out to third. Moving on.

2:14 - DeRosa softly grounds out to the pitcher on the first pitch. I think both teams hate getting to the bullpen early.

2:15 - Bernadina gets K'd up. On a side note, I think WGN just thanked me for being patient in-between innings. I think that was a reference to being a Cubs fan. Thanks, WGN? AND another strikeout, this time The Kidnapped One.

2:17 - The State Farm/David Copperfield commercial is beyond stupid. I hate it and will not be getting my insurance from you, State Farm.

2:20 - Castro grounds out to short. Soriano grounds one back through the middle for a hit.

2:21 - RIP Mike Hill. You were very good to me when I worked at the Cubs. Nice man. Very sad.

2:22 - Stewart tries to ground out to the catcher again, but The Kidnapped One decides throwing to second base would be a better idea and throws it into center. First and second. One out.

2:23 - Soriano tries to steal third, but like any horse with a bum leg, he's shot and turned into glue. Two outs. Baker walks two pitches later.

2:25 - Byrd comes through with a single to left on a shitty hanging slider. Senior Ground-Out-To-The-Catcher scores from second.

2:27 - Cheech (AKA Soto, because he gets high), lines out to third. Moving on.

2:28 - Man, Derrick Rose is so cool.

2:29 - Fire Arm somehow gets the ball out of the infield and flies out to right.

2:31 - Desmond's swing makes me want to stab things into little children's eyes so they don't ever do what he does. He strikes out.

2:33 - That dude who has walked twice grounds out to first. This game is flying by.

2:35 - Red just pissed himself. Got sawed off. And now strikes out.

2:38 - DeJesus looks really comfortable in the box right now. He, er, stikes out.

2:41 - Barney Rubble gets jammed for the third time and weekly lines out to short. NEXT!

2:43 - Zimm drives another one to the wall, but the wind holds it in. Soriano two steps his way to the ball and somehow catches it (again).

2:45 - Frenchy le strikes out (for the third time).

2:46 - Goodbye, Warped Record. Another K for Red.

2:47 - That Pepsi/Respect commercial is dumb too. Where did all the cowboys good commercials go?

2:50 - Castro swings at 98 at his face for a strikeout. Soriano then gets buckled on a deuce for strike one. He follows that up with a jam fly out to right.

2:52 - Stewart's swing starts in Waukegan, makes its way through Wilmette, then finds itself in Wrigley, fouling off a ball into a beer. He then strikes out on the next pitch. Moving on.

2:55 A little warning, friends. I gotta get running to my real baseball job, so I won't be here to the end. I will try to get Ricky to finish this off. (UPDATE: He can't.)

2:56 - DeRose grounds out to Red.

2:58 - Bernadina flies out to Castro. Could Bill Murray be the coolest person in the world? I say, yes. The Kidnapped One grounds out. Bill Murray time, folks. I AM VERY EXCITED. Also, Big Head Todd is there. Where are the Monsters? WHERE ARE THE MONSTERS?

3:00 - Oh, yeah. If you weren't following this mess from the beginning, it's still 1-0 Cubs, bottom of the 7th.

3:03 - Baker falls onto a slider, grounds to short, but Desmond tries to throw the ball into the stands. E-6.

3:05 - Byrd grounds into a double play. Bill Murray makes me laugh. I am okay with the double play now.

3:06 - Cheech flies out and Bill Murray makes an airplane sized alcohol bottle joke. I smile and head to work. Have a great rest of Opening Day, folks. Go Cubs and stuff.

Following me on Twitter @ZWMartin