!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111
You rarely see news stories with leads made up solely of numbers and punctuation, but this is the world we live in where Chicago Bulls forward Carlos Boozer receives an All-Defense vote. All NBA defense.
My suicide note will continue after the jump.
/promises not to use caps-lock
The NBA All-Defensive teams were announced Wednesday.
First Team: LeBron James (53 points), Serge Ibaka (47), Dwight Howard (41), Chris Paul (35), Tony Allen (33)
Second Team: Kevin Garnett (26), Luol Deng (20), Tyson Chandler (36), Rajon Rondo (29), Kobe Bryant (17)
Chicago Bulls forward Luol Deng made the second team. Other than Tyson Chandler -- who won Defensive Player of the Year -- making the second (not first) team and maybe the inclusion of Kobe Bryant, the choices for these two teams were relatively sound. After all, most of these guys D up pretty well.
But if you keep reading, you'll see something quite surprising in the next paragraph...
The following list of players also received votes...Andre Iguodala, Philadelphia; Joakim Noah, Chicago; Iman Shumpert, New York; Paul George, Indiana; Russell Westbrook, Oklahoma City; Josh Smith, Atlanta; Dwyane Wade, Miami; Thabo Sefolosha, Oklahoma City; Grant Hill, Phoenix; Tim Duncan, San Antonio; Avery Bradley, Boston; Marc Gasol, Memphis; Metta World Peace, L.A. Lakers; Shawn Marion, Dallas; Joe Johnson, Atlanta; Mike Conley, Memphis; Derrick Rose, Chicago; Jrue Holiday, Philadelphia; Carlos Boozer, Chicago; Luc Mbah a Moute, Milwaukee.
"Derrick Rose? Cool!" you excitedly respond.
No. You must not have seen it. I'll post it again.
Andre Iguodala, Philadelphia; Joakim Noah, Chicago; Iman Shumpert, New York; Paul George, Indiana; Russell Westbrook, Oklahoma City; Josh Smith, Atlanta; Dwyane Wade, Miami; Thabo Sefolosha, Oklahoma City; Grant Hill, Phoenix; Tim Duncan, San Antonio; Avery Bradley, Boston; Marc Gasol, Memphis; Metta World Peace, L.A. Lakers; Shawn Marion, Dallas; Joe Johnson, Atlanta; Mike Conley, Memphis; Derrick Rose, Chicago; Jrue Holiday, Philadelphia; Carlos Boozer, Chicago; Luc Mbah a Moute, Milwaukee.
You *still* didn't see it? I'll emphasize.
Andre Iguodala, Philadelphia; Joakim Noah, Chicago; Iman Shumpert, New York; Paul George, Indiana; Russell Westbrook, Oklahoma City; Josh Smith, Atlanta; Dwyane Wade, Miami; Thabo Sefolosha, Oklahoma City; Grant Hill, Phoenix; Tim Duncan, San Antonio; Avery Bradley, Boston; Marc Gasol, Memphis; Metta World Peace, L.A. Lakers; Shawn Marion, Dallas; Joe Johnson, Atlanta; Mike Conley, Memphis; Derrick Rose, Chicago; Jrue Holiday, Philadelphia; Carlos Boozer, Chicago; Luc Mbah a Moute, Milwaukee.
...
Andre Iguodala, Philadelphia; Joakim Noah, Chicago; Iman Shumpert, New York; Paul George, Indiana; Russell Westbrook, Oklahoma City; Josh Smith, Atlanta; Dwyane Wade, Miami; Thabo Sefolosha, Oklahoma City; Grant Hill, Phoenix; Tim Duncan, San Antonio; Avery Bradley, Boston; Marc Gasol, Memphis; Metta World Peace, L.A. Lakers; Shawn Marion, Dallas; Joe Johnson, Atlanta; Mike Conley, Memphis; Derrick Rose, Chicago; Jrue Holiday, Philadelphia; CARLOS BOOZER, CHICAGO; Luc Mbah a Moute, Milwaukee.
Somehow, someway Carlos Boozer received an NBA All-Defense vote. I just looked outside and saw this.
"Well, calm down. Just hold on a second. Who votes for this? Stupid children?" you ask. Oh, if only.
The NBA's 30 coaches voted on the award. They were asked to make selections for the First and Second team by position and were not allowed to select players on their own teams.
This means Carlos Boozer received an All-Defense vote from an NBA coach or someone who knows an NBA coach.
This is an absolute disgrace.
For those of you who watched Boozer play defense for three seconds or more this year, I'll give you the time to revive yourself as I assume this information has led you to pass out from sheer confusion. The rest of you, flush the vomit from the toilet and come back from the bathroom. Actually, flush but stay in the bathroom. You'll most likely throw up again.
What's so disappointing about 5/23/12 -- a date which will now live in basketball infamy -- is not only is Boozer unworthy of an All-Defense vote, he's probably a first team NBA All-No Defense. He gets dominated by bigger players, rotates about as quickly as the Earth does around the sun, doesn't seem to give consistent effort of any kind, and is routinely subbed out for bench players in any defensive basketball situation ranging from 'crucial' to 'really not that important'. Here is a picture of me assessing his defense during a Bulls regular season game against the Indiana Pacers from earlier this year.
For comparison's sake, Kyle Korver is typically referred to by fans -- casual and hardcore alike -- as one of the NBA's worst defenders, and even he is allowed to play in crunch time. You know who isn't? Carlos Boozer. Who received an NBA ALL-DEFENSE VOTE. As some random guy on Twitter said: "Carlos Boozer wouldn't make second-string All-Defense on his own team."
SBN Chicago editor Ricky O'Donnell just messaged me while writing this to point out Taj Gibson, for context, received no votes. I seriously feel nauseous.
Whoever voted Boozer on this team -- even if as a joke -- needs to be outed immediately. I want reasons. I want answers. I want explanations. I want justifications. I want apologies. I want presents.
UPDATE: Matt at Blog-a-Bull weighs in, "The Boozer revelation is frightening."
The system is broken beyond repair. We're going to have to live with 5/23/12 for the rest of our lives. We can't go back from here.
Ever.
Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to SBN Chicago. He can be reached at bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy.