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Jay Cutler's Child is Slightly Larger Than a Football

When we last left Jay Cutler, he was untangling himself from a web of blankets and smoking cigarettes to alleviate the stress of being asked questions about his leadership strategy. The long week has provided extra time for some fans to kick start the "Start J. Cambell, so what if we can't spell his name we want him as our QB dammit, Movement," and some writers to to make up stories of an impending mutiny.

Week 3 against the Rams is a must win game, as is pretty much every game, every week. Cutler is searching for a way to shake things up. Anything to get his team out of last week's rut.

He spots his fiance; beautiful, glowing, radiant, and a bunch of other words that sound good. There she is, holding their baby boy, Camden Jack.


Jay Cutler: Jesus, Kristin. That's poor form. The nose of the ball is sticking out, legs visible. Have I taught you nothing of ball security? Peanut would have a field day.

Charles 'Peanut' Tillman punches the child out of her pale, delicate arms. One ref signals Bears ball, the other signals Rams ball. They determine the ball belongs to the Bears after a 17-minute conference.

The child is placed on the Rams' 33 yard-line.

Jay Cutler: Blue 42. Blue 42. Set hut!!!

False start on number 73, J'Marcus Webb. Five-yard penalty. Replay 1st down.

Cutler is uncomfortable with the feel of the ball. He tries brushing off the child's hair -- mistaking it for dirt. There are 3 seconds left on the play clock. Cutler tells Webb and his quarterbacks coach to fuck off before burning a timeout. He pimp struts to the sideline, his helmet nestled on top of his head.

Jason Campbell: What's the matter, Jay?

Jay Cutler: Damn ball is doctored. Dirt all over it. I think our third-string QB was playing around with it again.

Jason Campbell: That's your child's hair, Jay. You can't just brush it off.

Jay Cutler: To hell with it then.

Jason Campbell: Did the ball take its nap this afternoon? And was it fed?

Jay Cutler: Kristin takes care of all that.

Lovie Smith catches the tail-end of the conversation and throws the red challenge flag.


The Bears are challenging the ruling on the field . . . uh . . . number 87 offense, fifteen-yard penalty . . . uh . . . at the spot of the foul . . . uh . . . defense number 91, encroachment . . . uh . . . there are two fouls on the play . . . uh . . . both fouls offset . . . uh . . . please reset the play clock to 5:54 . . . and the ruling on the field stands, TOUCHDOWN!!!

Correction -- The Bears are challenging the ruling on the field that the ball is a baby.

Lovie loses the challenge. The Bears lose 20-17. Every coach is fired and every player replaced.