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Chicago Cubs Transactions: The Real Life Analogy Edition

Since I began contributing to SB Nation Chicago a couple of months ago, I've been stopped countless times on the street by adoring fans.

"Hey, buddy! I recognize you! I'm a big fan. Everything you've done has been hilarious."

"Thank you."

"I especially like the one Entourage episode where you play yourself as a real jerk-off. The 'tell Sloan I said 'sup' guy. That kills me everytime."

"Seth Green?"

"Yeah that's it. Seth Green! I can't believe I ran into you. Are you filming a movie in Chicago?"

"I'm not Seth Green."

"Really, I could've sworn..."


"Oh wait, I would recognize that face anywhere! You play that jerk-off on the Internet. The one with the hard hat in his profile picture."

"That's probably me."

"Oh cool, I always kind of skipped over your stuff. But that's cool, man."

"Everything's cool."

"Hey, it seems like you kind of specialize in offering very simple-minded analysis. That's exactly what I'm looking for! See, I don't care about all this logistical mumbo jumbo. Would you mind breaking down some of the Cubs trades and signings and such?! I have no idea what's going on."

I decided to humor this chatty man with some analogies we could both understand. Cubs moves in the form of real life situations, if you will.

The Marlon Byrd Trade

You're sitting at the Dunkin' Donuts, reading the morning paper and drinking a cup of the French Vanilla you love so much. You decided to get a little adventurous at the checkout line and order a jelly donut with the sugar dumped over the top. You're normally a sandwich kind of guy, but you don't exactly trust the ham at the Dunkin' Donuts. So you're reading the paper and drinking your coffee and the jelly donut is sitting there untouched. The more you stare at it, the more unappetizing it becomes. You've had enough and are willing to do anything to get this disgusting jelly donut out of your sight.

You make your way back up to the checkout line.

"Listen, this donut is a piece of shit. Please take it off my hands. I'll pay you."

The cashier is noticeably confused as a you pull out a couple singles.

"Is there something wrong with the donut, sir?"

"EVERYTHING. Here, take my money, and take this donut. What's in the bag behind you?"

"This bag," the cashier motions towards. "Is full of week-old bagels. We're about to take them out to the trash."

"Great. Just give me one of those bagels. Take my money and my donut and give me one of those bagels. We'll call it even."

"We're literally five minutes away from throwing these out."

"I understand that. Just give me the bagel."

That's the Marlon Bryd trade.

The Eventual Call-Up of Anthony Rizzo

Your neighbor is in possession of a new 72' flat screen. You can see the TV through the window across the street. Your neighbor willingly gives you updates on how well the TV has been working. The manufacturer has fixed a few hiccups from the previous model, and the new TV appears flawless. You have the money to purchase this TV for yourself, but must resist.

If you wait a few more months, this TV will be guaranteed to operate for an extra year longer than your neighbor's model. You have a decision to make. Do you buy the TV now so you can catch the rest of the NBA Finals, knowing the Bulls aren't playing, and you don't care who wins? Or do you wait and have the TV ready by the time the NFL season kicks off? You know the quality of the Finals would be enhanced, but the NFL season should be and is your main priority.

That's the eventual call-up of Anthony Rizzo.

The Acquisition of Koyie Hill

In middle school you didn't know any better. You were just happy to find a girl who allowed you to place your hand on her thigh in the darkened movie theater. The first time you made out with her was a disaster. Spit everywhere. You unknowingly were tonguing her nose for most of the evening. You remained with her through high school, even has you started to attract attention from other, more attractive females. She was unreasonable, demanded too much of you and was unwilling to make compromises. The two of you shared very few common interests.

You stayed with her after leaving for college. She called you everyday, 25 times per day. She cried uncontrollably on the phone. She wanted to know why you were cheating on her. She wanted to know why you were having fun without her. When can she visit?

You finally worked up the courage to break-up with her as first semester winded down. You started living life as a single man, a life you had never lived before. As it turned out, picking up girls was not as easy as you though it would be. You began to miss the warmth and familiarity of your ex. With loneliness setting in and no potential girlfriends in sight, you break down and call her again. You're back together to relive this terrible nightmare.

That's the acquisition of Koyie Hill.

The Jorge Soler Signing

You pay a bargain price to jump out of a plane from 12,000 feet. This will either be the most rewarding, invigorating moment of your life, or a funny story to tell.

That's the Jorge Soler signing.

The Sean Marshall Trade

You've spent over a decade amassing your record collection. This record collection, some would say, is one of the only redeeming things about yourself. As painful as it is, it's time for the collection to go. You're moving in with your fiance soon and there just isn't going to be room for thousands of records. Plus, the two of you could use the money. You know where this is heading. She's going to want a child soon, and you kind of want a child, but would prefer to keep the record collection instead, but the records could yield some much needed money and space in your tiny apartment, so there's that.

You put all of your records on eBay and watch as these vultures have easy access to some of the records that took you years to track down. You make these transactions knowing you may not get back equal value. But money is more important for your future. You weren't going to listen to the records that often anyway. They are more important to those who can enjoy them more thoroughly. Sometimes in life, you have to give the good things away for the possibility of better things.

That's the Sean Marshall trade.