There is no discounting how much my 20s improved the moment the Chicago Bulls won the NBA Draft lottery in 2008. I'll always remember where I was: locked in a dark, empty, TV-less room at the Chicago Sun-Times, getting updates from a friend via Instant Messenger.
I barely thought twice about the lottery heading into that day. The Bulls were slated to have the ninth pick, with a 1.7 percent chance of getting the No. 1 overall selection. When the Bulls reached the top three, my nerves were at an all-time high. The difference between No. 3 and No. 1 is the difference between Brook Lopez and Derrick Rose. Thankfully, it worked out for the Bulls that night, whether Davis Stern rigged the whole thing or not. Just realize that if Chicago doesn't cash-in on that miracle chance, we're still probably looking at a starting backcourt of Ben Gordon and Kirk Hinrich.
Yeah, the draft lottery is important. Like, mega-important. That's why, with the 2012 NBA Draft lottery taking place tonight, and with Chicago native and my No. 1 homeboy Anthony Davis as the top prize, it seems worthwhile to rank the possible destinations for the Kentucky forward based on nothing but my own personal biases.
Top Five Cool Destinations For Anthony Davis
The Bobcats were absolutely not going to make my top five. But then I read CardboardGerald's compelling, profanity-laced case over at the mothership.
The Bobcats deserve to win the lottery because the fuck y'all know what I've been through? Y'all see that fucking season? Y'all see the #HoopIdea shit I've had to deal with? The 'could Kentucky beat the Bobcats' dumbfuckery that continues? To see a parade of ignoramuses say in hindsight they knew what Charlotte should have done? To see a stupid movement to bring the Hornets name back gain momentum and those people acting like they'd watch every game this season and support the name just because of the Hornets name?
Fuck it all.
The Charlotte Bobcats should win the draft lottery because they are the Charlotte Fucking Bobcats, goddammit.
That would be five F-bombs in 119 words, good for an F-bomb percentage of 23.8. Seriously: nearly a quarter of that plea is just CardboardGerald saying FUCK. That is awesome. Color me impressed.
Still, the Bobcats are No. 5 for the same reason CardboardGerald tries to make them No. 1: because the Bobcats are hopeless. Anthony Davis deserves better. For Charlotte to become halfway competent, they'd have to win at least two lotteries in a row.
Anthony Davis and Shabazz Muhammad? I could for sure get down with that. But the threat of Davis toiling away in the nothingness of Charlotte means I can't put them any higher than No. 5.
4. Portland Trailblazers
After the sporadic combustion of Greg Oden and Brandon Roy, this fanbase deserves some good luck. But mostly, I just want to make "PUT A BIRD ON IT" jokes about Davis' unibrow.
Full disclosure: the bros who run SB Nation are mostly D.C.-based. For the love of Mike Prada, can the Wizards catch a break?
John Wall didn't enjoy the meteoric rise to success that Rose did in his second season. He may even have regressed. And for as much as loved the JaVale McGee era in Washington, it's got to be hard to appreciate that type of elite tomfoolery when it's happening on the team you root for.
Davis is the anti-JaVale. He's special for his sublime court instincts just as much as that ridiculous wingspan. The Wizards have employed a lot of boneheads in recent years. It would be nice to see them get a star who actually understands how to play basketball.
Kyrie Irving is sort of amazing. I also have sympathy for Cleveland, from an economic standpoint and from an "always rooting for shitty sports teams" standpoint. The reason they're not No. 1 is because of their owner, who is a comic-sans obsessed asshole.
But still: Kyrie and A.D.? Sounds pretty fun to me. They might be a pain for the Bulls for years to come, which is the reason the Nets -- who would likely trade Davis to Orlando for Dwight Howard -- didn't make the list. I can get past that, though. If the Cavs won the lottery, they'd immediately become one of the NBA's most watchable young teams. This league needs that.
1. Sacramento Kings
A few reasons why Anthony Davis going to the Kings would be sort of perfect:
- The franchise could still be bolting town after their seeming reasonable stadium proposal was just shot down by their largely terrible owners.
- Proud proprietors of the NBA's second longest playoff drought.
- I loved those C-Webb powered teams that could never seem to get past the Lakers. Jason Williams was my favorite basketball player in junior high once MJ retired.
- DeMarcus Cousins is so cool. Tyreke is pretty cool, too. With A.D.? Man, they'd be scary-talented.