Breaking Down The Notre Dame Failure Scenarios (The Hybrid)

These last five years, it seems there are one or two moments each college football season where I swear to myself "this is it." You know, where nothing breaks your way, every karmic element seems against you, and you even start to question the overall setup of the sport?

Last week was one of those weeks.

Stumbling Notre Dame somehow bested Pitt, two of my favorite teams got drubbed, and Alabama somehow, some way got it together for one final drive to top LSU.

We did not receive BCS calamity. Instead, we continued the status quo.

But my mood has bettered since then, and I'd rather press on, find things to be happy about, and figure out the rest later.

Besides, we can always quit forever at the *end* of the season.

The Hybrid

Selective Hits On The BCS Top 25

1) Alabama: As I said above, I'm going to be trying to find some good things about that Alabama win. Obviously, there are no real things that are good. Here is stuff, though...

- Alabama is not invincible. Up until last Saturday, we had no evidence to the contrary. Not only was 'Bama winning comfortably in every game, but until the LSU game, they'd never even trailed while on offense. Sure, they won, but LSU exposed aspects of their defense and offense. The glass half empty view, however, is that most teams don't have the players LSU has (true).

- No Alabama-LSU rematch in the national title game. Unless....

- AJ McCarron crying. I list this not to make fun of AJ or even be skeptical of what went down -- quite the contrary. Despite wishing LSU didn't chokey choke suck blow that game, it happened. And McCarron got very emotional. While, on the surface, it pissed me off, I realized it would just give us a moment to help replace Tim Tebow/The Promise, which, to my knowledge, is the worst sports event to ever happen*.

- Alabama made, like, six t-shirts after they won. Seriously. TROLL DAMN TIDE.

- Later on, the Roll Tide calf tattoo surfaced. ROLL CALF TIDE.

(* - including Munich, duh)

2) Kansas State: Yeah, they won, but did Collin Klein get hurt? We don't really know, because Bill Snyder is one of those cool, secretive coaches that won't talk injuries. I think someone asked him earlier in the week "Do you hope Klein plays?" and he was super affirmative and said "Yes, I hope he plays. I hope all the injured guys can play!"

Such a bastard.

3) Oregon: Before going Phoenix against USC, Oregon released a trailer for their uniforms they'd be wearing in the game. This seriously happened. Don't watch the video, but please know it exists. If you *are* going to watch an Oregon video, may I recommend the 'Every Kenjon Barner TD Against USC' genre? Do you even need me to tell you it's less than 40 seconds long?

4) Notre Dame: At this point, Notre Dame is Stimpy, and I am Ren. It's like they don't even know any better. Here is a picture of us. Trying to find some positivity in this situation, here are three 'doom scenarios' which will make me happy.

Notre Dame loses to USC in their last regular season game. I mean, they are playing on the road, and USC, despite flaws, is still unarguably competent. That could be a good heartbreaker.

Notre Dame goes undefeated, doesn't make BCS title game. I think, of the three, this is my favorite. Because it takes their dream season, ruins it, *and* steps all over the Fighting Irish's entitlement to *be* in The Big Game. Plus, it's even funnier because we have a playoff coming very soon, so it's not like they could say "This is why we need a playoff!" Instead, it would be "Why isn't the playoff nowwwwwww?" #fiveyearolds

Notre Dame makes the BCS title game, is crushed by Alabama. This is less than ideal but not out of the question. But Oregon and K-State would have to slip. It's funny, because every time the SEC rolls in a title game, it's worse than the year before. Going into this season, I said, adamantly, we had nowhere to go but up. But in this scenario? We'd be *rooting* for the SEC to beat Notre Dame. How stupid is that? We are so stupid.

5) Georgia: Haha, how are you back in the Top 5?

6) Florida: Hi.

7) LSU: How two loss LSU is ranked above undefeated Louisville is beyond me, but here's something sorta cool though mega gross: all-world homie Chris Fowler posted a picture of Tigers fans grilling 'baby elephant' before the LSU-'Bama game.

Yahoo! later reported it actually being a pig with a trunk and ears sewn on, which is funny/horrible because at first you're like "Phew, it's not a baby elephant", but then you're like "...oh... oh god."

In brighter news, Outkick The Coverage posted a maybe fake/maybe real receipt signed by LSU QB Zach Mettenberger. The total: $16. The Tip: Fuck You.

And though I'm not nearly as inspired to talk about the performance he had against Alabama had they won and not blown it, this has to be said: the dude balled out of control last Saturday. His game was one for the ages. He took everything you knew about him and blew it up. People were comparing him to AJ McCarron and AJ McCarron to *him*. Going in, this was inconceivable. Mettenberger, you were a true soldier. I'm sorry your defense soiled itself repeatedly in the crucial moments.

Also also also, do yourself a favor and listen to Scott Van Pelt talk about his LSU-Alabama experience. If you listen to it and *don't* add 'night game at Tiger Stadium' to your sports fan bucket list, what the hell is wrong with you?

8) South Carolina: Steve Spurrier revealed thinking the voting age was 21 this week.

9) Louisville: Time to knock on some doors in Baton Rouge.

(But then run away when they're answered.)

10) Florida State
11) Oregon State
12) Oklahoma
13) Clemson: The man himself, Clemson Tom, checks in.

This Saturday, my beloved Clemson Tigers play the Maryland Terrapins. Maryland claims they do crab cakes and football better than anyone else in America, they forgot to mention their ugly uniforms.

Seriously, have you seen Maryland uniforms? A blind person would even agree with me -- their uniforms look like a homeless person patched them up with random stitchings found on the side of interstate. They're red, yellow, black, white, stripes, polka dots. Even half the helmet is a different color than the other half. It's disgusting.

To make things even worse for Maryland, their starting quarterback this week is a freshman linebacker recruit. That's something I couldn't even make up -- they are literally on their fifth string quarterback (a linebacker). What if he gets pissed, calls an audible blitz, and just runs after a lineman, never catching the snap?

This isn't Iron Man football Maryland! Get it together. Nobody on Maryland's team can stop our offense, and I don't see how a linebacker -- playing QB -- will put up points on my defense. It's gonna be another Pawsome™ victory.

Please, please watch his Maryland video.

14) Stanford
15) Texas A&M: Have a good/weird feeling about this team's potential to pull off something big at some specific point this season.

16) Nebraska
17) Texas: The good? Funny Texas is almost back in the Top 15. The bad? Mack Brown is being a baby.

Texas coach Mack Brown is tired of people being mean to the Longhorns and he wants the Big 12 to do something about it.

Brown, who's done a lot of complaining this season, says the upside-down Longhorns hand gesture is offensive and that it shouldn't be allowed.

"The horns down is disrespectful," Brown said Monday. "We ought to talk about that as a league."

Brown would also like you kids to get off his lawn.

Out of anyone who has a racist sounding Southern accent that I actually like, Mack Brown's is -- unless I'm forgetting someone -- by far the most racist. It's a shame to see him be such lame ass about this. "Talk about it as a league"? Are you kidding me? Here's one for ya, coach.

via The Big Lead

Mack Brown approves this message. Probably.

18) UCLA: UCLA is *still* ranked? Haha, above USC.

19) USC: It's not like anyone's knockin' your offense...

20) Louisiana Tech
21) Mississippi State
22) Texas Tech
23) Rutgers: Earlier this season, I gave dap to UNC for their patriotic helmets. Since I'm really not a 'flag guy', per se, I thought that'd be the end of it. But then Rutgers has to go out and do something awesome like this. So, so, so, so, so, so, so cool. How does the helmet look so worn out already? Is that part of the look? Man, I am impressed.

UPDATE: New Mexico has something similar, and yes, it looks way less cool in pristine condition.

24) Northwestern: Back into the Top 25! Michigan is pawing the glass like a stranded puppy on a cold winter's night.

25) Toledo

Teams Not Ranked I Want To Talk About Anyway:

Cincinnati: This was probably my favorite play in college football last weekend. It's a new spin on the jump pass (which means more Tebow distancing!).

Ohio State: You might be undefeated -- though totally not ranked due to sanctions -- but you have to remember one of college football (and life's) ultimate lessons: when you sign up for Urban Meyer, you sign up for Tim Tebow. That's why the Yahoo! headline "Tim Tebow: ‘I am a pretty big fan now of The Ohio State University’" exists. Buckeyes, if you think you're making it out of this section without a big ol' blockquote (or three), then you lost ya damn minds.

He talked about how he was nervously tracking the Ohio State-Purdue game a couple weeks ago as the Jets were getting ready to leave for a road game:

"I was pretty nervous," Tebow told The Plain Dealer. "We were literally taking off as they were about to score and then go for the two-point conversion, so I didn't know until we landed that they won. So it was pretty cool. And I guess as hard as it is for me to say, I am a pretty big fan now of The Ohio State University."

Haha, suck it.

MORE.

...Meyer said he still talks to Tebow every week. Tebow said he might come visit Columbus in the offseason. Meyer joked that he thinks he got Tebow an Ohio State shirt.

Yes, Florida fans, you're allowed to vomit a bit now.

HOOOOOO-WHEE!

The other interesting thing from The Plain Dealer interview was how Meyer hopes that Tebow can mentor Ohio State quarterback Braxton Miller, who is a Heisman contender and only a sophomore.

"I would love for those guys to get face-to-face, even train a little bit together, work out together," Meyer said. "Tim is so busy, but I'm going to push for that to happen real hard."

Tebow said he has talked to Miller on the phone and has texted him, and thinks Miller is a "good kid" and "has the incredible tools."

I want to go back to school, get an education degree, and get hired as a teacher, solely so I can give everyone involved F triple minuses.

Michigan State: Bros, this is... this is an intervention. You legitimacy need to at least *think* about getting your shit together. Brian Cook posted this.

To make matters more Sparty, MSU RB LeVeon Bell got on Twitter and complained about the refs.

Is there anything Michigan State players can take part in that *won't* result in them jumping on Twitter and childishly whining? Bah. Dantonio!!

Colorado/Washington: Love how the new pot legalization in their two states led to someone posting a list of substances still banned by the NCAA...

Sudafed
Muscle Milk
Some flavors of Vitamin Water
Airborne
Midol

I legitimately forgot some flavors of Vitamin Water are banned. That's just... so good. Free Vitamin Water!

Any Sweet Games This Weekend?

Thursday
Florida State (10) at Virginia Tech: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Friday Night Lights

Saturday
Northwestern (24) at Michigan: Michigan is unranked and potentially starting a QB who'd be playing just his second game at the position this year. Northwestern is ranked... and listed as a double-digit underdog. This could only happen to Northwestern.

Jokes aside, I think this could be a passable game. A passable Big Ten game.

Purdue at Iowa: Here are two teams that probably shouldn't exist.

Arkansas at South Carolina (8): Meh.

Louisville (9) at Syracuse: Undefeated Louisville on the road. The time has come... to pass two-loss LSU.

Louisiana-Lafayette at Florida (6): Buh, just... screw you, Florida.

Oregon State (11) at Stanford (14): I'm Bobby Pac-12, and I can't even get up for this one. Let's see if we can't get the Beavs back into the Top 10 for next week.

Texas A&M (15) at Alabama (1): Game of the Week. Normally, I'd be down on this game because of my hatred for all things people, but I'm in on this Aggies team. They were solid for a while against LSU, and maybe Alabama experiences a post-Tiger Stadium letdown. Man, how could you not? Even the spread is a slightly respectable A&M +14.

Penn State at Nebraska (16): Penn State's become underrated in watchability, and Nebraska needs to lose for Michigan to have a shot at the Big Ten title game. I'm interested even if you aren't.

Kansas State (2) at TCU: Gotta put K-State on upset alert, especially if the Heisman leader might not play. That said, it's not time for the Wildcats to panic just yet. How much magic does TCU have left? Haha, that was a lame sentence, and I regret typing it.

Georgia (5) at Auburn: MEH.

Missisippi State (21) at LSU (7): No.

Notre Dame (4) at Boston College: Ignoring the 18.5 point spread, I legitimately could talk myself into this game just because it's ND's shaky offense on the road, but the second the Irish take, say, a 2-0 lead, I'm about out all the way.

Oregon (3) at California: Keep your head down and keep killing 'em, Ducks.

Waubonsie Valley (4) at Neuqua Valley (1): My top-seeded alma mater playing in their first ever IHSA 8A state quarterfinals game. And we hostin'. Waubonsie is our crosstown rival, and their only loss of the season was against Neuqua in a 2OT thriller at a neutral site. Winner makes the state final four. Everything is on the line.

High school football is the best.

Random Picture I Came Across While Googling Stuff For This Post

via 4.bp.blogspot.com

Wrapping It Up...

Let's get this over with, my heart's at Neuqua Valley anyway.

Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to SBN Chicago. he can be reached at bobbyloesch@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy.