Ronnie Brewer is the new Jeremy Lin. That is, he also owns a New York Knicks jersey and a couch.
- David Stern's farewell tour will involve visiting every NBA arena and breaking a nearby union.
- Andrei Kirilenko's wife will premiere her new single on "Prairie Home Companion", followed by 20 minutes of buttermilk biscuits commercials while paramedics try to safely pry the knitting needles from Garrison Keillor's ears.
- Chris Duhon will receive an NBA paycheck this year. On purpose. (Okay, it's not a prediction, but I just needed to see the words written out.)
- Anaheim and Seattle will flirt with the Milwaukee Bucks in what can only be described as the ugliest three-way in U.S. metropolitan history. (I think we all remember the Gdansk/Dresden/Bruges drunken hookup none too fondly.)
- Brian Scalabrine will be forced to rip off his suit coat and toss on a jersey in a quadruple-overtime thriller in Cleveland after a series of injuries to Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, Rajon Rondo, Paul Pierce, and Paul Pierce. Scalabrine will play 27 minutes and register zero statistics in a deeply inspiring manner.
- Famed halftime act Quick Change will finally remove their remaining costumes and reveal their true selves to be the Houston Rockets.
- Despite team turnover, the Pistons will stage another player revolt this season and move themselves to Windsor without permission from the league. No one will notice.
- This is the year Violet Palmer's gonna make a good call. Bring a camera.
- Stacey King will lose a bet with Chuck Swirsky. As punishment, Stacey will be forced to learn the real names of all Chicago Bulls players.
No one will quit on the Trail Blazers this season, nor will anyone sustain any career-threatening injuries. However, J.J. Hickson will imitate both simultaneously.
The Milwaukee Bucks will play 82 games but will be forced to provide paperwork to prove it at the end of the season because no one will remember them.
Dwight Howard will declare his new superhero identity is Animal Man, whose powers grant him the abilities of any animal. After a series of mid-level Hollywood meetings mangle the origin story, Dwight will star in a Manimal remake that makes Steel look like Superman II.
NBA Predictions You Should Ignore Completely
SB Nation Chicago's Dennis Tarwood is here with some NBA predictions for the 2012-2013 season.