SB Nation Chicago - The Deep Dish

Dale Sveum and Bob Brenly Have Some (Crackpot) Theories on How to Fix the Cubs

2012-05-16T16:20:45Z

Dale Sveum sits in his office seething. 7-6 loss to the division-leading Cardinals and he replays the missed opportunities in his mind. The room smells of cigarette smoke and microwaved taquitos - the typical smell of a man coming to grips with big-league mortality. Something is off. Sveum dons his favorite (and supposedly lucky, or so he thought) red hunting cap. He keeps the bottle of Wild Turkey within arms reach. He grabs the bottle and takes a long pull. Managing a last place ballclub is not for the faint of heart, especially if your decisions are contributing to the losses. The losses are piling up. His eating habits are shit, and to make matters worse, he missed his scheduled doctor's appointment for the second straight time.

Something is off and Dale Sveum aims to fix it. In what will surely qualify as one of his smarter decisions this year, Sveum summons the reporters to his office. The reporters file in, microphones in hand. Sveum clears his throat, takes another pull from the bottle and begins his declaration.

SVEUM: Ladies and gentlemen, I've called you here today...

REPORTER 1: Why did you pitch to Molina?

REPORTER 2: Has the clubhouse turned on Kerry Wood?

REPORTER 3: Can Anthony Rizzo play 3^rd base and can Brett Jackson catch? My readers would like to know.

SVEUM: Enough! You will write my story. I will NOT write yours.

The room turns quiet after witnessing Sveum accidentally knock over the bottle of Wild Turkey. They know he's liable to snap even more violently at the slightest disturbance.

SVEUM: Like I was saying...I've called you here today to deliver a message of CHANGE. The...

REPORTER 1: Are you stepping down as Cubs manager?

REPORTER 2: Has Kerry Wood been released?

REPORTER 3: Do you consider bunting every at-bat a viable offensive strategy?

Sveum finishes off the bottle and breaks it across the table. He tightly grips the piece in his hand and jabs it towards the reporters.

SVEUM: The next person to interrupt me will be blogging from a hospital bed!

SVEUM: OK, now that we're on the same page, I can deliver my message of CHANGE. As an organization, from top to bottom, we need to take a different approach towards evaluating our team. We cannot continue to rely on outdated teaching methods and misleading statistics. We need to be on the cutting edge. We need to start imagining new ways to define success in this league. I believe, with the help of my red hunting cap, Wild Turkey, and a couple games of 3-card Solitaire, I have found the solution. I'm not reinventing the wheel or anything, but prepare to be amazed.

Sveum pauses for effect

SVEUM: Series-splits. You hate 'em. I hate 'em. So we're just going to do away with them. In this game we need results - a clear winner and loser. Series' need to be won, not split. So starting today, the Chicago Cubs, as an organization, are going to refer to series splits as series victories. Think of it as rounding up. By my count, we've won five of eleven series' this year. That's not perfect, but we're on the right track. We're trying to win more than we lose, and redefining words to suit our purposes is just the way to do that. I'll take questions now.

REPORTER 1: I can get a column out of that!

REPORTER 2: Is it safe to say that approximately two unnamed players are furious with the declaration you delivered five seconds ago?

REPORTER 3: How does any of this pertain to Junior Lake?

Meanwhile, Cubs broadcaster Bob Brenly gets to work on the tape. He has committed roughly 1.4 million dollars towards converting his home into the world's largest Instant Replay center, catering to all of the major American sports. Brenly just wants the possibility of human error removed from the game. He would prefer machines to do the job of humans, provided they can do a better job. And they can. Just ask him. When he is not announcing Cubs games, Brenly is fine-tuning the Instant Replay technology he will present to MLB this offseason. We asked him about Sveum's comments.

BRENLY: Interesting. Very interesting. I would have loved to "round up," so to speak. Anything to trick the guys into thinking we were doing good. But we're getting away from the real issue here. Umpires are ruining the game of baseball. Do you know what percentage of calls they get right? It's not 100, I can tell you that much. WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY. It won't slow the game down any more than a manager coming out to argue a call. We have a guy up in the booth who can quickly review every call and then buzz the crew chief down on the field when a call needs to be overturned. Or better yet, we can replace the human umpires with robot umpires and assure all of the calls will be right in the first place. China, I believe, has already implemented this strategy with great success.

Point is, with the correct calls, Dale Sveum might win more games. He also might lose more games. Doesn't matter to me. It's not even June yet and I feel like we're in the dog days . Christ, pass the Wild Turkey. You drank it all? Damn you.

Jabari Parker Deemed 'Best High School Basketball Player Since LeBron James' On Cover Of Sports Illustrated

2012-05-16T13:00:58Z

Jabari Parker's name has been known around local basketball circles since the small forward emerged as a freshman starter for perennial Chicago high school hoops powerhouse Simeon Academy, a feat not even Derrick Rose could accomplish. Now, Parker is good enough to be named the 2012 Gatorade National Player of the Year as a junior. He's considered the best high school player in the country, a future No. 1 overall NBA draft pick and the best player to come out of our city since....well, Anthony Davis.

But still. Jabari Parker is one hell of a high school basketball player. He's almost qualifies a local legend after leading Simeon to three straight state championships; yep, one for every year he's been in school.

A whole bunch of people who aren't familiar with Parker are about to get acquainted. Parker is on the cover of this week's Sports Illustrated.

Via NBC's CollegeBasketballTalk:

"The Best High School Basketball Player Since LeBron James"

It's the type of statement from a national magazine that could drown a teenager in pressure, but by all accounts, Parker will be up for the challenge. He's known a smart and humble kid from a successful family who's been bred his entire life to do something as insane as grace of the cover as Sports Illustrated as a 17-year old.

Parker has yet to make a decision on where he'll go to college, but the Duke Blue Devils and Michigan State Spartans are considered the front-runners.

This Is The Best Michael Jordan + Dennis Rodman Back Tattoo You'll See All Day

2012-05-15T18:08:34Z

Being a Chicago Bulls fan is usually pretty great. I mean, it's better than being a Wizards fan or a Bucks fan or a Nuggets fan; it's also for sure way better than being a Cubs fan. But, so far as Chicago Bulls fandom is concerned, the last few weeks have been pretty miserable.

The Bulls headed into the 2012 NBA Playoffs with a sterling 50-16 record and homecourt advantage throughout. They also entered the postseason with Derrick Rose having two functioning knees and Joakim Noah having two functioning ankles. You know how that worked out. In the end, the Bulls became the fifth top seed ever to lose in the first round of the NBA playoffs. Sad times. Like, so far as sports fandom is concerned, this is truly the pits.

Everyone grieves in different ways, though recent studies show most people grieve with sad Facebook statuses. While that remains largely true, sometimes people grieve in more artful ways. Like by getting big-ass tattoos of Michael Jordan and Dennis Rodman scrolled across their back.

Pretty great grieving method right there. You have to assume this is an unfinished designed, otherwise Scottie Pippen will have some serious beef.

USC Football Recruiting: Local Running Back Ty Isaac Chooses Trojans

2012-05-15T16:05:15Z

The Chicago metropolitan area has produced a genuinely ridiculous amount of homegrown basketball talent over recent years, but the same can't be said for football. Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall, former Bengals guard Eric Steinbach and Colts safety Tom Zbikowski each made it out of the 'burbs and to the NFL, but the Chicagoland area is far from a football factory. That's why Ty Isaac's commitment to the USC Trojans on Tuesday is so meaningful.

Isaac stars at Joliet Catholic, one of the state's perennial high school football powerhouses. For as dominant as the Hilltoppers usually are, they haven't produced a prospect as good as Isaac since former Tampa Bay Buccaneers fullback Mike Alstott. Isaac, a consensus top-10 national recruit, is that good.

Isaac made his announcement today via Twitter:

Committed to The University of Southern California
— Ty Isaac (@TyIsaac) May 15, 2012

The running back choose USC over the Michigan Wolverines.

Last time Isaac stepped on a high school football field, he put together what might be the most impressive single game performance in IHSA history. That is not an exaggeration.

In Class 5A state championship last year, Isaac finished with 26 carries for 515 yards and six touchdowns. Get this: JCA still lost to Montini 70-45.

Jay Cutler Signs Off Twitter

2012-05-15T01:25:13Z

Last we saw Jay Cutler, he was walking a pocket-sized puppy in a pair of his finest sweatpants with his pregnant fiance while giving the middle finger to the always trigger-happy paparazzi. Such is the weird-ass life of the Chicago Bears' quarterback. I don't believe Jonathan Quinn or Shane Matthews ever had to deal with this unique brand of attention. While it clearly seems to annoy Cutler, we should probably be thankful the Bears finally have a quarterback worthy of marrying a reality TV star. Hell, even a quarterback worthy of being photographed.

On Monday, Cutler took a step to make his life more private. He deleted his Twitter account.

Here's what Cutler told the Chicago Tribune's Vaughn McClure.

Cutler shutting down Twitter, "Some things just come to and end, and that was one of them. .Maybe some day down the road. 4 now, I'm done."
— vaughn mcclure (@vxmcclure23) May 14, 2012

For more on the Bears, visit Windy City Gridiron.

2012 NBA Playoffs: Vinny Del Negro Rips Chicago Bulls After Reaching 2nd Round

2012-05-14T19:10:51Z

Years from now, Vinny Del Negro will be the answer to a trivia question. Specifically: "Who was Derrick Rose's first pro coach?"

Because of the distinction, Del Negro will always hold at least a small place in Bulls history. He was the improbable choice to coach Chicago after the 2007 season, where he went on to guide the Bulls to back-to-back playoff appearances during his two seasons in town before getting fired after the Cleveland Cavaliers knocked Chicago out of the 2010 postseason.

Despite the surface level success of his teams, Del Negro was often painted as clueless. Seeing the triumphs of his successor Tom Thibodeau has certainly done nothing to make Chicago miss Del Negro. But after leading the Los Angeles Clippers to a Game 7 victory over the Memphis Grizzlies on Sunday to earn the first playoff series victory of his coaching career, Del Negro rightfully felt some level of vindication.

In an interview with Adrian Wojnarowski of Yahoo! Sports, Del Negro ripped Bulls management for what he perceived as a lack of support in Chicago.

From Yahoo!

"All that [expletive] that I had to deal with John and everything, it was a total cluster[expletive]," Del Negro told Yahoo! Sports. "Listen, I understand the business: I hadn't coached before, and my first job was in Chicago, where I had absolutely no [management] support. Then I came to this situation, where the history spoke for itself. But I knew it was important to keep working at the craft.

For those that have rightfully blocked out the Bulls' 2008 season, here's the incident Del Negro is referring to:

After a loss to the Phoenix Suns on March 30, an irate Paxson walked into the coach's office at the United Center and confronted Del Negro over a narrow breach of a management-imposed minutes limit on injured forward Joakim Noah. Sources said Paxson first grabbed a hold of Del Negro's tie and seemingly tried to provoke him with two successive jabs into his chest. Paxson was even heard to angrily challenge Del Negro to a fight.

Del Negro always seemed like a nice enough guy during his time in Chicago, though it's hard to argue him as anything but overmatched. Still, I'm happy for him and the Clippers and will certainly be rooting for Lob City to upset the San Antonio Spurs in the second round. More than anything, I'm thankful Del Negro is someone else's sideline general. Thibodeau suits Chicago just fine.

Brian Scalabrine Does Yoga, Plays Dodgeball In Weird New Commercial

2012-05-14T16:23:07Z

Why Brian Scalabrine feels so impassioned about a person's right to choose their energy supplier remains unclear, but the appearance of the Chicago Bulls forward in a bizarre new commercial certainly seems to be doing wonders for Power 2 Switch. For example, did you know Power 2 Switch is a company that provides a list of alternative energy suppliers to allow a person to break free from the purported tyranny of ComEd? Now you do! At least if you spend your downtime in the office reading basketball blogs, I guess.

This commercial is a fun commercial. It features Scalabrine under the guise of his "White Mamba" nickname -- character? -- scaling obstacle courses, playing ping-pong at a highly advanced level and even performing Jedi mind tricks. He does this alongside a chubby bearded dude acting as the Stevie to his Kenny Powers.

Check it out, after the jump:

H/T: The Basketball Jones

For more on the Bulls, visit Blog-a-Bull.

The 2012 Chicago Bears Could Field Tallest Receivers In Team History

2012-05-14T15:07:07Z

Interesting nugget passed along by SI's Peter King in his Monday Morning Quarterback column: the 2012 Chicago Bears could have the tallest group of wide receivers and tight ends in team history.

Sure, everybody has Brandon Marshall (6-4½) on their minds, and Bears fans monitoring the draft are probably very excited to see what new rookie WR Alshon Jeffery (6-3) can bring to the table, but there are a few other guys in the mix as well.

Breakdown after the jump.

Here's King's assessment:

If the Bears line up in a five-receiver set, with two tight ends and three wide receivers, here's how they could threaten the opposition:

At wideout: The 6-4½ Brandon Marshall and 6-3 rookie Alshon Jeffery could line up split out, with 6-0 Earl Bennett or 5-11 Dane Sanzenbacher the third receiver; Sanzenbacher is more suited to play inside. This is dependent, too, on the recovery of 5-11 Johnny Knox from a severe late-2011 back injury.

At tight end: Returning are 6-7 Matt Spaeth and 6-6½ Kellen Davis, who could be used as sixth, or sixth and seventh linemen to buttress a shaky line. And fourth-round pick Evan Rodriguez, an athletic 6-2 tight end, could get some playing time if he proves his worth as a receiver too.

You've got to think a corps with this type of size would be a huge advantage -- especially in the red zone -- but a lot of its success depends on the play calling of Mike Tice. And the former NFL tight end should be able to relate to his men pretty easily. He's 6-7 himself.

Height, height, height.

King continues:

Conjures memories of the Chargers two years ago, when they could send three receivers 6-4 or taller downfield -- Vincent Jackson, Malcom Floyd and tight end Antonio Gates -- with the 6-2 Legedu Naanee in reserve.

And while maybe those Chargers underachieved, they were pretty kick ass through the air.

We should all be excited for this.

Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to SBN Chicago. He can be reached at bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy.

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