Time Space Continuum Ripped Asunder, Or, the 2012 NBA Trade Deadline

Gadzooks! That's how you do a trade deadline, NBA. The Andrew Bogut-Monta Ellis was merely the tip of the insanity iceberg as the closing hours before the deadline saw teams swapping JaVales for Nenes for Nicks for, again, GADZOOKS! Let's review the real March Madness. ["SIGH." -Ed.]

Nick Young to Clippers, Nene to Washington, JaVale McGee to Denver

[laser noises] Did your mind melt? JaVale McGee will be in the playoffs (score one for freedom and puppies, "USA! USA! USA!") and Denver also scored Ronny Turiaf. So, for Nene, the Nuggets got a maddeningly inconsistent "durrp." player in JaVale who, when he feels like it, is a legit talent in the paint and can defend with surprising veracity and not just block shots for SportsCenter, plus, Ronny Turiaf? Just for Nene? Sure! Mind you, George Karl is going to kill JaVale, or JaVale is going to kill George Karl, but, this is going to be such a fun "two men enter, one leaves" stabfest of dunks and blocks and rebounds and … George Karl shouting a lot?

Meanwhile, back at the Staples Ranch, the Clippers got gunner extraordinaire, Nick Young, to play the role of "Chauncey Billups" for LA's very likely trip to the playoffs. Chris Paul for the past month was solemnly praying before the shrine of the NBA deities and has been rewarded for his diligence and humility. God is good, Chris, remember that, even when wandering in the wilderness that is Donald Sterling's mansion dungeon.

Speaking of wandering the wilderness, the Wizards got Nene, the duct-taped corpse of Brian Cook, and a future secound-rounder. Great job, guys. Way to give up on JaVale and Nick Young while geting nothing new and shiny for John Wall to play with. When he's a troubled adolescent, land-barracuda who takes his revenge on Colin Cowhered you'll remember this day. We're praying for you, John Wall. #ItGetsBetter #EtCetera

Ramon Sessions To Lakers, Luke Kapono/Jason Walton, Draft Pick to Cleveland AND Derek Fisher to Houston

Separate moves...And this is why everyone despises the savvy and gully-as-fxck LA Lakers management. Just shed salary, shed your team's oldest player, find a younger replacement with more talent, pick the kids up from soccer practice, have dinner ready, sigh. Exhausting, but so simple for the Lakers' Kupchak and Buss to execute. Lakers have now moved, in my opinion, up to a clear two, if not 1B to Oklahoma City's 1A in the Western Conference. Christian Eyenga? Just more ammunition and body parts to slow down opponents' small forwards and to give Ron-Ron some rest.

For Cleveland this move works well in Dan Gilbert's blueprint to rebuild around Kyrie Irving. JK and Luke Walton are just to acquiesce the Lakers for Cleveland's chance at nabbing a juicy draft this June. A rather anonymous end to Luke Walton's (likely) dwindling career, but what are you gonna do? dude made his money and can always slide into a drum circle with some Deadheads.

Leandro Barbosa To Indiana Pacers For Second-Round Draft Pick

Forgetting about the Toronto Raptors isn't too hard these days and forgetting about Leandro Barbosa (post-SSOL Suns) is your birthright, so you're forgiven for not noticing this little trade. Great move, Indiana? Meh move, Indiana? I don't really know what else to say, I mean, it is a move and Leandro probably can do things, right? The Pacers have a lot of talent in the back court, so again, not sure what this is all about. It's good to be insured, but with Barbosa? Not Geico?

Portland Trailblazers Explode Like a Dying Planet

"We don't need bigs or coaches where we're going, friend."

No GM, no problem for the Portland Trailblazers. Blazing a new kind of trail wherein you don't need Marcus Camby or Gerald Wallace or a head coach, the Blazers just went gorillas all over Thursday.

Look, I know we're all really depressed about Greg Oden's knees, Brandon Roy's knees, Bill Walton's everything, but this isn't how to cope, Blazers front office. Unless you appoint a sentient robot as head coach, the better to teach the Blazers how to love this brave, new, big-less world, you see, I'm boycotting your games, Blazers. And don't you try to to sweet talk me with your box of Mehmet Okur, Shawne Williams, Haseem Thabeet and Johnny Flynn, Portland. No more Gerald Wallaces or nougat-y Marcus Cambys? Why would I even bother looking at that kind of box of chocolate. I guess, I'll nibble at this protected first-round draft pick of New Jersey's but that's it.

The death of Rip City's basketball get-along-gang is a thousand kinds of sorrows. If anyone wants me, I'll be reading "Swimming To Cambodia," listening to "Needle in the Hay," huffing spray paint and crying under my bed. Yes. Simultaneously.

For New Jersey the Gerald Wallace move is sheer desperation to try and trick Deron Williams into not leaving this off-season after the Dwight Drama exploded in everyone's face. "Prokhorov is now training in the martial arts to make for kidnapping the Dwight. You, Crash, you rebounding and plastique explosives make expert, da?"

And that's how the NBA got ever more crazy and awesome. Thank you NBA. Thank you for the madness and breath-stopping, gasp-inducing, daft and deft moves.

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