SB Nation Chicago: All Posts by Joseph Gems

The Bear Trap, Week 17: The Bears miss playoffs despite squeaking out a win in Detroit

2012-12-31T18:07:27Z

Welcome to The Bear Trap, a weekly look at the Bears game that was. In this space we will deal with the most pressing issues surrounding the Bears and their previous game. We'll favor overreaction, both positive and negative, to fair, balanced analysis. We'll ask if the Bears should withhold planning the Super Bowl Shuffle 2012 music video and if Brandon Marshall's erratic off-field behavior has derailed the season yet. We'll wonder if Jay Cutler is best described as aloof or super-duper aloof and tally the number of fucks the notorious Shoulder Shrug has given up to this point. All that, plus some old fashioned Packer hate. We'll keep it lighthearted as long as it's understood the hate is real and comes from a dark place.

So submit to the underachieving jaws of The Bear Trap. We'll hunt, but don't expect us to gather.

Tim Jennings Honorary Game Ball - The final Tim Jennings Honorary Game Ball of the season goes to Matt Forte, who rushed for 103 yards on 24 carries and a touchdown. In hindsight, Cutler's 3rd down scramble to extend the last drive, Earl Bennett's touchdown catch, or Julius Peppers' fumble recovery were all bigger plays in this game, but we can't stop thinking about Forte's final run to officially clinch the game. As he dragged a defender past the first down marker, we allowed ourselves to enjoy watching football for the first time in eight weeks. That enjoyment quickly began to subside with every passing second of the Packers-Vikings game, only strengthening our appreciation of the run. We associate a brief moment of happiness with Matt Forte, and for that, we thank and honor him.

What To Watch For (Formerly The Optimist's Take) - You could always watch the playoffs, but you know how that will turn out. The Packers will win by 20, teams will play with shocking, unimaginable levels of competence the Bears have never approached, and you'll trick yourself into thinking we could have beaten the 49ers if just given a chance. After a while, the playoffs start to feel like a stroll down Fifth Avenue, watching customers shop in the stores you're not even allowed to enter. Watch the playoffs at your own risk.

A better reason to watch: the Bears' coaching search. It's exciting to find out which guy you'll want fired in a few years. Oh, we don't care about adapting to a league geared towards the offensive side of the ball. We want to know if you plan on beating the Packers anytime soon. Are the Packers your number one priority?

The Pessimist's Take - This game was a microcosm of the Bears' season. The first half went swimmingly well, with the Bears at one point leading by 17 because the defense "forced" three turnovers. The Lions scored a late first half touchdown to make the game much closer than it seemed. The second half didn't go as well because the Bears could only force one turnover. Overall, the Bears had to settle for a field goal after three of the Lions' four turnovers, totaling 16 of their 26 points off turnovers. The offense continued with their putrid third-down and red zone efficiency. The only marked differences from this awful season was Brandon Marshall's production, picked up by Earl Bennett, and the lack of offensive turnovers. One for the road, as they say. This one happened to be a shot of grain alcohol.

Are the Bears STILL going to the Super Bowl?

Obviously they are not. The Bears are going to vacation in a tropical paradise to celebrate the end of a tough season. You are not a professional athlete only because you're a tad undersized and/or blew out your knee in high school. No one believes you, but keep saying it because it's true.

This Week's Adjective To Describe Jay Cutler - Transitional. Next year, Jay Cutler will be cussing out his 4th offensive coordinator in five years. The offense was in such disarray this year that arguments ended in "You're not my real father, Mike." Sure, Cutler may accept the next guy's invitation to a ball game, but he's still calling him by his first name at the end of the day.

Number Of Fucks Given - 3 for an even 16 to end the year. We couldn't have drawn it up any more perfectly. Cutty given exactly one fuck per game, and thus concludes our science experiment. The Lions made a concerted effort to get a rise out of Cutty and they succeeded to an extent. While Cutty gave a fuck, he didn't give enough of a fuck to throw a crucial interception or engage in a bro-down. The Lions will need to reconsider their intimidation tactics for next year.

Number Of Brandon Marshall Off-Field Incidents - 0

Pic Of The Game - AP Photo/Rick Osentoski

As a kid, you can do somersaults for 13 straight hours without a care in the world. As an adult, the mere thought of attempting a somersault is grounds for a reality check. It was only a couple of months ago when the Bears looked to be somersaulting their way to the playoffs and possibly the Super Bowl. Now they're on the ground, mid-somersault, keeping company with the likes of the Lions. Peppers has the ball, for what it's worth.

Requisite Packer Hate - We hate you and are never talking to you again.

*closes bedroom door/book on the season*

AND DON'T BOTHER KNOCKING! WE'RE NOT COMING OUT EVER!

The Bear Trap, Week 16: Despite unspectacular performance, Bears' playoff hopes still alive

2012-12-24T15:18:44Z

Welcome to The Bear Trap, a weekly look at the Bears game that was. In this space, we will deal with the most pressing issues surrounding the Bears and their previous game. We'll favor overreaction, both positive and negative, to fair, balanced analysis. We'll ask if the Bears should withhold planning the Super Bowl Shuffle 2012 music video and if Brandon Marshall's erratic off-field behavior has derailed the season yet. We'll wonder if Jay Cutler is best described as aloof or super-duper aloof, and tally the number of fucks the notorious Shoulder Shrug has given up to this point. All that, plus some old fashioned Packer hate. We'll keep it lighthearted as long as it's understood the hate is real and comes from a dark place.

So submit to the uncovered jaws of The Bear Trap. Arizona quarterbacks keep walking right into us.

Tim Jennings Honorary Game Ball - Some good candidates this week: Zack Bowman for setting the tone, Charles Tillman for adding another Pick-6 to his resume, and Matt Forte for finally establishing some semblance of a running game. But we're handing over the Tim Jennings Honorary Game Ball to a dark horse candidate, the Arizona Cardinals fans in attendance. There were very few of you, and those of you who did show up draped paper bags over your heads. Impressively, your boos were not the least bit muffled.

When Brian Urlacher and Lance Briggs told us last week that Bears fans were the only fans who booed their team at home, we thought we had gone crazy. Surely, we remembered many other home sides leaving the field to a chorus of boos in the past. But we were willing to give Urlacher and Briggs the benefit of the doubt. It's them, not us, after all, who watch 10 hours of football on Sunday. They're the ones who watch every highlight package, pore over fantasy stats, and scour various message boards to unearth anything that could possibly pass for football-relevant information. It's not like they only have time to prepare for their next opponent. They're completely aware of everything going on with the 30 other teams as well.

Well, evidently they got this one wrong. Other fan bases DO in fact boo their respective teams at home. Thank you for confirming our sanity, Sad Paper Bag Faces of the Arizona Cardinals.

What To Watch For (Formerly 'The Optimist's Take) - If for some reason you still believe in the 2012 Bears, stop that immediately. Having already accepted a season that will end in tears, we suggest something else to watch for besides a win:

Calvin Johnson's pursuit of 2,000 receiving yards. Johnson already passed Jerry Rice's single-season record of 1,848. He needs 108 to reach 2,000 -- a total he's surpassed in 11 of his 15 games. You'll remember Tillman and the Bears had more success against Johnson than anyone this year, holding him to only 3 catches for 34 yards when they met in October.

For those who just can't stop believin', the Bears' road to the playoffs is simple. If they beat the Lions AND the Packers beat the Vikings, they're in. That's it. Know what else was supposed to be simple? Winning 3 of their last 8 games.

The Pessimist's Take - Special teams used to be, arguably, the Bears' biggest strength. Now they're getting 20-yard field goals blocked and are unable to field a punt properly. It's crazy. A football, while prone to unpredictable bounces because of its awkward shape, is still capable of clearly hitting you from five yards away. Stay away from the fucking ball if you have no intention of fielding it.

Matt Forte left the game with an ankle injury and we're very concerned. Forte says he'll play next week, but we know better than to believe anyone besides Luol Deng when he says he's going to play hurt. The alternatives are Armando Allen and Khalil Bell, who have been cut more times than your holiday wrapping paper.

It's like we said last week, if the Bears can allow 13 points or less, force 3 or more turnovers, and score at least one defensive touchdown, they have a chance to win. This is not a sustainable formula. OK, against Matthew Stafford, maybe it is! Pessimism!

Are the Bears STILL going to the Super Bowl?

NO. The Bears are going to Detroit . . . land of opportunity. What, this isn't 1914?

This Week's Adjective To Describe Jay Cutler - Persistent. Cutler completed only one of his first 11 passes. We've given up after ONE unsuccessful attempt at opening a jar of jelly, so we can respect a man who isn't so easily deterred. In our defense, Brandon Marshall wasn't around to help us.

Number Of Fucks Given - One for a season total of 13. Alshon Jeffery ran the wrong route or something. Now take it easy there, Cutty. Rookies are still in their developmental stages and likely to imitate everything you do and say in front of them. Start zig-zagging your arms in strange patterns around Jeffery and he's bound to do the same to corners, earning himself another offensive pass interference penalty. And please, please, can you keep your cursing to a minimum? Alshon told his grandfather "To go fuck himself" yesterday. I wonder where he learned that from?

Number Of Brandon Marshall Off-Field Incidents - 0

Pic Of The Game - AP Photo/Paul Connors

Eyes squinted, tongue hanging out, shoulders hunched; Ryan Lindley was trying so hard out there. Even Dick Stockton, in one of his brief moments of clarity, basically said Lindley is doing the best he can, he just isn't very good. We kind of feel bad for Lindley. He was benched in favor of Brian Hoyer after going 17-30 for 141 yards and one interception. That was one of his better performances of the season and he was benched as a result.

Requisite Packer ~~Hate~~ Encouragement - We know how y'all feel about the Vikings. What kind of grown man paints himself head to toe in purple and then throws on a blonde wig? That sort of hooey would never fly in a great city like Green Bay. Now's your chance to put them in their place. Don't give them the satisfaction of competing in the playoffs. Your playoffs. Hell, do it for yourselves. Grab that 2-seed and first round bye. God knows y'all deserve it. All that hard work y'all's been putting in. No reason to ruin it now against a team known for hanging its hat on regular season accomplishments. Adrian Peterson is a fine player but he's no Aaron Rodgers. Peterson wins ya MVP trophies, A-Rod wins ya MVP trophies and Lombardi trophies. That trophy ain't named after Bud Grant, I can tell ya that much. So go get what's yours. And if the Bears happen to sneak into the playoffs because of it, well then goddammit, we'd be mighty obliged.

How The Thibs Stole Christmas!

2012-12-20T16:50:48Z

The Bulls of Chicago loved Christmas a lot.

But the Thibs, holed up in his office

Did NOT!

The Thibs hated Christmas! This time of the season!

When pressed for an answer, he always gave a vague reason.

Regardless of why the Thibs seemed so averse,

When asked about it, he'd scream and he'd curse.

He's stomp and he'd stare, sigh and just pout.

Close his office door and threaten never to come OUT!

The Thibs' office was littered with playbooks in stacks

Video tapes and the saltiest snacks.

He leaned back in his chair and he opened some chips

Rubbed his sore temples, that's when he heard it!

'It' was the sound of unbridled joy.

'It' was the sound of grown up little boys.

The Bulls of Chicago, the young and the old

Were not taking part in the drills they were told.

Not concerned with rotations

Or the extra pass

No, the Bulls of Chicago were having a LAUGH!

LAUGH!

Oh how they did LAUGH!

The Thibs in his office was ready to crack!

Then he got an idea!

His best idea yet!

The Thibs knew of a way to make them all sweat!

"You're quite the genius," he said to himself.

Then he grabbed his black boots

And his oversized belt.

He found his red hat and wove a quick coat

Any moment now he'd be ready to go!

But before heading out the Thibs needed some help.

"A plan so profound cannot be done by myself."

So he called in Luol

And he shook his bad wrist

"No pain," Lu said. "Not even a pinch."

The agreeable Lu

No better helper to choose

They set out together to deliver the news.

Lu and the Thibs set foot on the court.

Suddenly, the Bulls of Chicago were all out of sorts.

The balls no longer bounced, and the laughter did cease.

The players gathered at midcourt, and dropped to a knee.

"Men," the Thibs started. "I can't stand what I see."

"No focus or commitment. No urgency.

"With this in mind, I'm happy to say,

"We'll be holding practice on Christmas Day!

"Three hours long. No breaks for water.

"No family time with your sons or your daughters.

"We're going to be perfect

"If it's the last thing I do

"We'll hold every team under 72!"

"But wait," Jo protested.

"It just isn't right.

"For we play a game that very night!"

"To hell with your rest," the Thibs said with a grin.

"No regard for the future. I just want to win!"

The Bulls of Chicago accepted their fate

For they knew that the Thibs wouldn't give them a break.

No presents. No smiles. No family time.

Just the sound of balls bouncing and tickling the twine.

Pleased as can be

The Thibs showed no remorse.

He coached the Bulls up

'Til his voice became hoarse.

Then headed back to his office to diagram plays.

The Thibs disappeared as quick as he came!

Little did the Thibs know he wasn't alone.

He was being followed by one of his own!

Startled at first when he turned back around

The sneaky Bull visitor had made not a sound.

The Thibs looked to the ground and what did he see?

Little Nate Robinson. Small as a flea.

"Thibs how could you

"Why, oh WHY THIBS?

"Not Christmas morning. Anything but this!

"How do I look my kids in the eye

"And what do I say

"When they ask 'Daddy WHY

"Won't you be here on Christmas Day?'"

"Tell them you're working.

"I don't care for your kin.

"I'll say it again:

"I just want to win!"

The clever old Thibs eased off a bit

For he was not done playing his trick!

He changed his tone quick

As a coach often does

And proceeded to show Little Nate some love.

"There, there," he said.

And he patted his head.

"Think about this when you hop into bed:

"Practice makes perfect

"And perfect makes money

"Money makes sure your kids never go hungry!

"So calm yourself down and think about it,

"More practice is for your own benefit!"

Little Nate Robinson, easily fooled

Was now more than eager to follow the rules.

He left feeling giddy.

He left feeling good.

The meaning of Christmas now well understood.

Christmas Day,

The time is 4 in the morning.

The rest of the city is sleeping and snoring.

But not the Thibs, he's prattling and pacing

Thoughts of on the court spacing

Have his heart beat racing.

He jumps in the car on to icy roads.

He beats all the traffic. He breezes through tolls.

Soon Chicago will awake to presents under the tree.

But there's nowhere else the Thibs would rather be!

He shows up to practice and to his surprise,

The Thibs is the very last one to arrive!

"This can't be my team. This must be a dream."

A beautiful, wonderful, miraculous dream.

The Bulls of Chicago looked crisp and alert.

The Thibs could see sweat soaked all through their shirts.

No movement wasted, all movements in-step

And oh did the Thibs love to see them SWEAT!

SWEAT!

And SWEAT the Bulls did

Enjoying themselves like a group of young kids.

The Thibs stood to the side and he thought for a second,

This isn't at all what I expected!

It didn't take force.

It didn't take noise.

Not even once did I raise my voice!

"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "goes beyond the final score.

"Maybe Christmas . . . perhaps . . . means a little bit more!"

Christmas is about spending time with your family and friends.

Christmas is about much more than losses and wins.

All this time I've neglected to show

My appreciation for:

Kirk, Lu, Jimmy, Tajy, and Jo

Marquis, Little Nate, Booz, Rip, and Marco.

The Thibs gathered them round

And he threw them a bone,

"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL

"NOW YOU ALL CAN GO HOME!"

The Bear Trap, Week 15: Packers clinch playoff spot, Bears embarrass themselves in lackluster rivalry game

2012-12-17T16:30:20Z

Welcome to The Bear Trap, a weekly look at the Bears game that was. In this space, we will deal with the most pressing issues surrounding the Bears and their previous game. We'll favor overreaction, both positive and negative, to fair, balanced analysis. We'll ask if the Bears should withhold planning the Super Bowl Shuffle 2012 music video and if Brandon Marshall's erratic off-field behavior has derailed the season yet. We'll wonder if Jay Cutler is best described as aloof or super-duper aloof, and tally the number of fucks the notorious Shoulder Shrug has given up to this point. All that, plus some old fashioned Packer hate. Well keep it lighthearted as long as it's understood the hate is real and comes from a dark place.

So submit to the extended claws of The Bear Trap. Place your arms right here, Alshon.

Tim Jennings Honorary Game Ball - A distinguished head nod to Jennings, who was sidelined for a second straight week with a shoulder injury. No wonder the Bears couldn't capitalize on any of those interception opportunities. This week's Tim Jennings Honorary Game Ball goes to you, dear reader(s): Bears fans. Bears football is supposed to be a (mostly) enjoyable diversion from your everyday life; three measly hours at the end of the week in which you don't have to worry about that growth on your back or who your kids are talking to on the Internet. Instead, the Bears have taken the anxiety already present in your life and tripled it. This is not fun. These last six weeks have been awful. Would you continue to watch a television show if the first five episodes were crap? NO. Would you continue to date a person who made your life miserable every second of the day? NO. Out of all the noble causes you could have delved into, the positive relationships you could have held on to, the real-world issues you could have obsessed over; you decided to save yourself for football, and so did we. You deserve something much bigger and better than the Internet's most prestigious award for your loyalty, but it's all we can offer.

And to all the fans in attendance who booed in the 1st quarter with the game still knotted at 0, you get the award too! At least you didn't sell your tickets to Packer fans. That would have made our fan base look bad!

The Optimist's Take - The season is almost over. Seriously, that's all we've got. Week after week after week we've watched the Bears get strip searched by playoff teams and fringe playoff teams. Sometimes we've legitimately found a reason to be optimistic swimming through the sewage water, and other times, most of the time, we lied through out teeth in the interest of filling this section. The Bears could win the next two games by a combined 60 points and prance into the playoffs while Aldon Smith, Eli Manning, Russell Wilson, and Robert Griffin III all go down with season-ending injuries and we'd still anticipate a crushing first round loss. Needless to say, this section will exist next week in a modified form.

The Pessimist's Take - The Packers caught the Christmas spirit a week early, handing out gifts left and right on Sunday. Last we checked, one of those gifts was not a 'forfeit.' The Packers did everything short of forfeit to try and lose this game, and even if they had, the Bears probably would have found a way to screw that up too.

Where to start? How about Randall Cobb's botched backwards pass on a punt return? That's a play that looks great at 4:30 in the morning on Benzedrex! Benxedrez! Benzedrex! and 36 straight hours without sleep. Not so great up two scores in the 4th with the division on the line.

Mason Crosby made Olindo Mare look like a solid pick-up. Keep in mind that Olindo Mare is 57-years-old and hasn't been good since Sega Dreamcast was a thing.

The Bears didn't help themselves out either. First and Goal from the 5-yard-line doesn't seem like an impossible task until you remember they were only on the 5-yard-line because of a pass interference penalty. It's not like they could be expected to move the ball or anything.

Before the goal-line debacle, Cutler's interception at the end of the 1st half was an absolute killer. What looked to be a 7-7 game at halftime all of a sudden became 14-7, and then 21-7 after Green Bay scored on their opening drive of the second half.

Alshon Jeffery couldn't keep his hands to himself, which, in any context, is never a good thing.

Do you realize the Bears have averaged 14 points per game over their last six? Imagine the defensive meetings: OK, all we need to do is hold 'em to 13 or fewer, force at least three turnovers, probably score a touchdown, and we should give ourselves a CHANCE to win.

Basically, despite embarrassing themselves for most of the game, the Bears were given approximately 472 chances to get back in the game and failed to capitalize on every single one of those chances. We see no indication that this is going to change in the coming weeks.

Are the Bears STILL going to the Super Bowl?

NO. The Bears are going to watch Adrian Peterson break Eric Dickerson's single-season rushing record and revel in the fact they played a large part in such an amazing accomplishment.

This Week's Adjective To Describe Jay Cutler - Detached, as in something in his left shoulder/collar bone area is detached. We'll be the first to suggest Jason Campbell get the start in Arizona. Only because we want to see the Bears win a game 5-3 before we die.

Number Of Fucks Given - 3 for a total of 12 on the season. The most overlooked aspect of a probable organizational overhaul concerns Cutty's fuck-giving potential. We may be without Devin Hester, Kellen Davis, Mike Tice, and the majority of the O-Line next year. Who will the fucks be directed at? Will there even be any fucks to direct?

Number Of Brandon Marshall Off-Field Incidents - 0

Pic Of The Game - AP Photo/Nam Y. Huh

Ashton: Dude, where's my car?

Jay: Where's your car, dude?

Ashton: Dude, where's MY CAR?

Jay: Where's your car, dude?

Ashton: DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR???

Jay: Where's your car, dude?

Ashton: Did I drive last night?

Jay: Yeah, I think so.

Ashton: HA! That was pretty funny. Thanks for playing along.

Jay: Playing along with what?

Ashton: The scene.

Jay: What scene, dude?

Ashton: Nevermind.

Jay: [shrugs shoulder]

[plays football]

[wonders who the fuck that guy was]

Requisite Packer Hate - Congratulations on the playoff spot. Looking like a lock for the 3-seed with a shot at the 2-seed. We can't wait to see y'all try to win a playoff game without a kicker. Like, literally without a kicker. Mason Crosby's roster spot has been filled by another white fullback with a racial epithet for a last name. Your games are going to be like a 12-year-old playing Madden. 4th and 21 from your opponent's 30: GO FOR IT! Touchdown on the first drive of the game: GO FOR TWO!

Oh, who are we kidding? It's all just a pipe dream. "We're not changing kickers. Write that down right now," Mike McCarthy told reporters after the game. Mike McCarthy still uses Windows 98.

The Bear Trap, Week 14: Jay Cutler injures neck, throws 2 crucial picks; Adrian Peterson cannot be stopped

2012-12-10T16:30:31Z

Welcome to The Bear Trap, a weekly look at the Bears game that was. In this space, we will deal with the most pressing issues surrounding the Bears and their previous game. We'll favor overreaction, both positive and negative, to fair, balanced analysis. We'll ask if the Bears should withhold planning the Super Bowl Shuffle 2012 music video and if Brandon Marshall's erratic off-field behavior has derailed the season yet. We'll wonder if Jay Cutler is best described as aloof or super-duper aloof, and tally the number of fucks the notorious Shoulder Shrug has given up to this point. All that plus some old fashioned Packer hate. We'll keep it lighthearted as long as it's understood the hate is real and comes from a dark place.

So submit to the completely overwhelmed jaws of The Bear Trap. We're used to leaving our imprint on foes. Adrian Peterson left his cleat marks all over us.

Tim Jennings Honorary Game Ball - Pour a little liquor out for the injured Jennings, who watched from the sidelines in a hat bent as unorthodoxly as Johnny Knox's back. This week's Tim Jennings Honorary Game Ball goes to Brandon Marshall. The numbers speak for themselves: 10 catches, 160 yards and a touchdown. Marshall hauled in only four less yards than the five other Bears receivers who caught a pass. We're not entirely convinced Marshall didn't double their output. Who tallied those numbers anyway?

Quarterbacks are taught not to stare down their receivers, but in Marshall's case, does it really matter? Opposing defenses know the ball is coming his way, they double and triple team him, and he still, more often than not, comes away with the catch. Cutler throws it up to him, throws it low, shovels it, even has it tipped into his clutches. The ball is going to find those giant magnet hands regardless of the way it gets there.

With all that said, we cannot excuse Marshall's drop of a crucial 4th down pass late in the game. Of course, Marshall's drop was made possible by Devin Hester's crucial 3rd down drop. A product of his environment, indeed.

The Optimist's Take - With Urlacher and Jennings already out, Robbie Gould relegated to kicking extra points and maybe short field goals, and the Bears' poor form as of late, there was an air of negativity hanging over this one from the get go. Then, just to pile on, Adrian Peterson ran for 51 yards on the first play of the game, turning Chris Conte into his personal chew toy. Peterson would rush for 69 yards on the first drive, capped off by his one-yard score. The defense buckled down after that brutal first drive, allowing very little for the rest of the game. Peterson compiled about half of his eye-popping stat line on that first drive alone.

Already competing shorthanded, and knowing the offense would have to play even more conservative due to Gould's injury, the defense performed about as well as you could have expected them to under the circumstances. It's tough when your offense is the other team's best offense -- Cutler's two interceptions led to 14 Minnesota points.

Oh, and Devin Hester and Alshon Jeffery dropped touchdown passes. They'll catch those the next time, says the Optimist's section.

The Pessimist's Take - When you accept Jay Cutler as your quarterback, when you acknowledge your team doesn't stand a chance without him under center, you also have to accept that he can lose a game just as easily as he can win one. It would be unfair to place this loss squarely on the shoulders of Jay Cutler, but that's exactly what we're going to do for the sake of simplicity. All of those beautiful throws zipped into tight spaces are so easily undone when a couple of them find their way into a defender's hands.

The injuries are piling up now, including another hit to Cutler's head. This time he suffered a neck injury, to add to the list of injuries in or around his head that continue to be a serious concern. Every team is stricken with injuries over the course of a season. You just hope those injuries don't occur right about now, when the Bears desperately need everyone to be healthy. C'mon, when even your kicker injures himself during warm-ups, there's no reason whatsoever to be optimistic.

Are the Bears STILL going to the Super Bowl?

NO. The Bears are somehow going to miss out on the playoffs entirely. Lovie Smith is going to be the new head coach of whichever team will have him. Probably the Chiefs.

This Week's Adjective To Describe Jay Cutler - Morose. We couldn't help but notice that every time the camera was on Cutler his head was down. Every single time. How can Cutler be a leader of men with his head down all the time? How can your teammates look you in the eye when your eyes are cast down? Most importantly, how can you read coverages when your'e not actually looking at the defense?

Number Of Fucks Given - 0 to stall the season total at 9. Improbably, the cameras did not detect a single fuck given this week. Multiple interceptions, porous line play, burnt timeouts, a loss to a division rival with the playoffs on the line -- any one of these scenarios taken alone are usually grounds for plenty of fuck-giving. Put them all together and we expected an explosion of fucks capable of melting a good three inches of snow off the ground. Maybe our beloved Cutty is growing up. Or maybe fuck-giving is dependent upon picking your head up once in a while.

Number Of Brandon Marshall Off-Field Incidents - 0

Pic Of The Game - AP Photo/Andy King

Arm tackling Adrian Peterson went about as well as you would have predicted for Chris Conte here. Peterson (with some help from the defense) is the reason the Vikings can win when Christian Ponder throws for 91 whole yards. A couple of weeks ago, we likened celebrating a win over the Percy Harvin-less Vikings to prominently displaying a participation trophy. What's it like losing to the Percy Harvin-less Vikings? Being deemed unworthy of a participation trophy?

Requisite Packer Hate - Thomas was a well-to-do guy. A wife and two kids. A real go-getter, that Thomas. The first to show up to the office every morning. Also the first to leave. "He always was kind of quiet," one of his coworkers told us when reached for comment. "A peculiar sort. I guess it never dawned on me until now." Thomas' wife was home sick. The kids were at their grandparents' to allow her to rest. Thomas, being the thoughtful chap he was, decided he would surprise his wife. On the way home he grabbed a bouquet of roses and a cup of that tortilla soup from Panera she liked so much.

He crept up the stairs slowly, expecting to find his wife fast asleep. Thomas opened the door and dropped the soup all over their brand new harlequin green carpet. He couldn't believe what he saw. His wife, his beautiful wife, in bed with another man.

"I, I," she stammered. "I thought you wouldn't be home for another fifteen minutes."

Thomas, a die-hard Packers fan, had his watch set to Lombardi Time.

The Bear Trap, Week 13: Russell Wilson was more perfect than Jay Cutler, and Earl Bennett could have used some Adderall

2012-12-03T16:37:01Z

Welcome to The Bear Trap, a weekly look at the Bears game that was. In this space, we will deal with the most pressing issues surrounding the Bears and their previous game. We'll favor overreaction, both positive and negative, to fair, balanced analysis. We'll ask if the Bears should withhold planning the Super Bowl Shuffle 2012 music video and if Brandon Marshall's erratic off-field behavior has derailed the season yet. We'll wonder if Jay Cutler is best described as aloof or super-duper aloof, and tally the number of fucks the notorious Shoulder Shrug has given up to this point. All that plus some old-fashioned Packer hate. We'll keep it lighthearted as long as it's understood the hate is real and comes from a dark place.

So submit to the lengthy grasp of The Bear Trap. We just missed out on Russell Wilson by about 3/8 of an inch.

Tim Jennings Honorary Game Ball - This week's Tim Jennings Honorary Game Ball was a toss-up between Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall. We decided to go with Cutler because this felt like a game that could have been 31-0 without him. We've all seen Cutler's ability to fit balls into seemingly nonexistent windows when given the time, but we usually don't get to see him strategically pick apart a defense with his legs. This isn't ideal, obviously, just a welcome addition to the norm. Previously, Cutler ran to avoid decapitation. Yesterday he ran to open up passing lanes and pick up first downs -- the result of much better protection than he's usually afforded. Besides being fun to watch, we felt Cutler deserved better. Ok, so 17 points is a paltry number to put on board and yet, there wasn't much more he could have done.

The Optimist's Take - Seattle's defense has been one of the best in the league, keeping opposing offenses, the Packers and Patriots chief among them, in check all season. The Bears moved the ball on this immovable force in the first half. Errors in judgement and, well, judgement were to blame for only 7 points from the first three drives. Lovie opted to got for it on 4th and 1 from Seattle's 15 early in the 2nd quarter up 7-0. A defensible decision, no doubt, but a curious one given his history. Hasn't Lovie always taken the points, especially with the lead? Where were we when the brass balls were plopped on the table?

On the very next drive, Earl Bennett, Earl "Sure Thing" Bennett, the only Bears receiver over a three-year period who could be counted on to consistently catch anything, dropped a sure touchdown. Yes, he had to quickly adjust from looking over his right shoulder to making the catch over his left shoulder. And yes, the sun happened to have peeked out at the worst possible time. The Internet unanimously agrees: NO EXCUSES. Ten points from those two drives would have put the Bears up 17-0 to start the game. We're not saying the result would have been different had the Bears been up 17-0, we're -- actually -- that's exactly what we're saying.

One more quick note: the patchwork offensive line (aren't they all?) looked pretty good Sunday. Seeing as this is the Optimist's section, we think they'll build off this performance and continue to improve each week.

The Pessimist's Take - Only three things in life are certain: 1.) Death 2.) Taxes 3.) The Seahawks losing on the road. Hell, Pete Carroll has managed to evade the first two, as well as the NCAA watch dogs, why not No. 3 to make it a clean sweep? To be fair, the Seahawks did beat the Panthers on the road earlier this year in an ugly game. It's just that a single road win tends to get lost in the shuffle when you're a perfect 5-0 at home.

What makes this loss particularly disheartening -- the pessimist's gospel -- is that this matchup is just about the best, THE BEST!, playoff matchup the Bears could hope for. The other likely alternative is the Giants at the Meadowlands. Christ. Excuse us while we vomit our dinner into the toilet.

Are the Bears STILL going to the Super Bowl?

NO. The Bears are going to start taking all the Viagra to get their edge back. We know their own uniforms are shiny and revealing and just ooze sex -- ESPN says they're the second best uniforms in all of sports. Still, that doesn't give them the right to start fucking themselves. See how well that defense holds up in the court of public opinion.

This Week's Adjective To Describe Jay Cutler - Imperfect or "The Opposite of Russell Wilson." Jay Cutler played one of his finest games in a Bears uniform and was completely one-upped by the unflappable Wilson. And really, how could he win? Did Cutler study film on his birthday? No. Does he look everyone in the eye? No, not even lowly security guards, and we have the visual evidence to prove it. You see, it doesn't matter, but it does.

Number Of Fucks Given - One for a season total of 9. Either Michael Bush can't catch a pass in the flat, or he was in the wrong place, or somewhere a dog barked when Cutty was trying to change the play at the line of scrimmage. Fuck-giving can be an extremely unscientific process. Sometimes you can see the method in his madness and other times he's the guy at the bus stop yelling racial slurs while repeatedly kicking the newspaper vending machine.

Number Of Brandon Marshall Off-Field Incidents - 0

Pic Of The Game - AP Photo/Nam Y. Huh

That split second before the brain has processed all of its information. At the time of this photo, Earl Bennett is likely unaware that he has dropped the ball that could have potentially won the Bears the game. There are many reasons why he could have dropped it: the sun, a difficult route adjustment at full speed, and the inevitable fact that everyone, even Earl Bennett, is capable of dropping a pass once in a while. No matter the given reason, all revert back to the same basic principle: a lack of focus. What could have helped Bennett focus, oh we don't know, maybe Adderall?

Starting corners Richard Sherman and Brandon Browner are the ones to call, and conveniently located about five yards away. That's not a receiver and DB hand-swatting while jockeying for position, referee, sir. That's the smoothest drug transaction that's ever occurred under your nose.

Requisite Packer Hate - Let's clear something up really quick. The Packers do not wear green and GOLD. We can't tell you how many times we've heard some Darwin Award candidate go on about the green and GOLD, the sanctity of the green and GOLD. It's YELLOW. The Packers wear green and YELLOW. Why they're so hell-bent on claiming gold is beyond us. Maybe it's because "green and gold" sounds better because of the fancy alliteration. Or maybe the mere mention of "gold" conjures up some image of supposed worth. Whatever the reason, stop saying it because everyone else is saying it. Notre Dame wears gold. Your "gold" looks nothing like Notre Dame's.

The Bear Trap, Week 12: Injuries a concern after 28-10 win over Vikings

2012-11-26T18:00:49Z

So submit to the strategically placed claws of The Bear Trap. Percy Harvin's left ankle is our greatest catch yet.

Tim Jennings Honorary Game Ball - This week's Tim Jennings Honorary Game Ball goes to punter/holder Adam Podlesh. Some might suggest that handing the Game Ball to the punter for an inconsequential two-point conversion cheapens the award, to which we would respond: We put this award through a wood chipper last week. Clearly we're not above such nonsense. Podlesh put the Bears ahead 18-3 in the second quarter after running in for the two-point conversion on a designed play meant to punish the defense for overloading one side of the line. After the play, he might as well have written "Relieved" across his forehead.

Podlesh is the model for survival in the notoriously cutthroat NFL. Just a few weeks ago, the Bears brought in punters to challenge for his job and ridicule him in the showers. He could have lost focus and his job to boot. He could have left the team altogether. He could have written a diatribe for Deadspin. Instead, he worked harder and found himself in the end zone to show for it. Think if Chilo Rachal had not left the team last week after losing his starting job. He would have seen some playing time yesterday. Next man up, as they say. Even if you were the first man down.

The Optimist's Take - The Bears got back to forcing the takeaways they need to be successful. Three more this week. Two Adrian Peterson fumbles and a Christian Ponder pass so badly overthrown, we needed to be reminded that Bernard Berrian no longer plays for the Vikings, and did not, in fact, run the wrong route again.

But more than anything, the biggest reason for optimism was the way the Bears fought through injuries. They lost Devin Hester early to a concussion and then Charles Tillman to an ankle injury. In the second half, Matt Forte and both starting guards, Lance Louis and Chris Spencer, were sidelined. Even with these injuries at significant positions, there was very little drop off in play (sad in the case of Hester, encouraging for everywhere else). The Bears have shown enough to prove they can overcome an injury to any player besides Cutler, and maybe Brandon Marshall. If they can keep the QB healthy, they have a chance against anyone.

The Pessimist's Take - The Vikings offense without Percy Harvin is like eating tomato soup with a fork, or the Jaguars offense, if you prefer a more practical comparison. Micheal Jenkins hasn't been a threat since his Ohio State days. Devin Aromashodu is so bad he could barely crack the pre-Brandon Marshall lineup. Jerome Simpson drops anything that isn't physically attached to him. Make no mistake, Adrian Peterson drives this offense, but it's Percy Harvin that occasionally puts them over the top. Without Harvin, the Bears defense could focus everything on Peterson, and did so with great success in the first half. Tillman's second-half injury wasn't as costly as it normally would have been because there was no difference maker on the other side of the ball that could have potentially taken advantage of his absence. They Bears caught the Vikings at the right time is all.

Are the Bears STILL going to the Super Bowl?

NO. The Bears are going to continue to beat the teams they should beat. We'll need to see a Week 15 victory over the Packers before we even consider hopping back on the Super Bowl Express bus. Dubya already summed up our feelings on this team more succinctly than we ever could.

This Week's Adjective To Describe Jay Cutler - Helpful. One minute you're cursing out your buddy on the playground, calling his mother the vilest, most despicable things your brain can put words to. The next minute you've made up and are helping him tie his shoes. Boys will be boys.

J'Marcus Webb is a large man and if his pass blocking is any indication, he would have fallen flat on his face had he attempted to tie his own shoe. Credit Cutler for helping him out and resisting the urge to tie his laces together to see if it made a difference.

Number Of Fucks Given - Two fucks given this week to bring the season total to 8. The first fuck came towards the end of the first quarter after the sideline failed to relay the play call fast enough. The second fuck came after Kellen Davis dropped a sure first down over the middle. "Are you fucking kidding me?" Cutty verbalized. Are you fucking kidding me? is the Pavlovian response to every pass thrown Davis' way.

We'd be remiss if we failed to point out the ultimate anti-fuck moment of the season thus far. We don't count the fucks Cutty doesn't give because we'd be up all night, but this deserved special distinction. On 1st and 10 from the Vikings' 18, Cutty scrambled for five yards, stiff-arming cornerback A.J. Jefferson in the process. On his way back to the huddle, he flipped the ball into Jefferson's chest, earning a 15-yard taunting penalty. Worth it only because it didn't cost the Bears the game. You'll remember Brandon Marshall did something very similar when the Bears and Dolphins met in 2010.

Brandon Marshall Off-Field Incidents - 0

Pic Of The Game - AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast

Every time Adrian Peterson cuts back an angel gets its wings (and another moron thinks Derrick Rose can return by December). Different injuries, different bodies, different sports, people!

Requisite Packer Hate - November is winding down. Come Sunday, all of these glorious mustaches we've half-heartedly made fun of will probably be gone. So let's take a second to compare, shall we? Aaron Rodgers is no stranger to the mustache, dating back to his days as a curious and probably depressed backup to a quarterback he was clearly better than. Rodgers grows his mustache thick and lets it curve around the edges of his mouth. He resembles either an Old West huckster or a rogue outlaw with a chip on his shoulder because Billy the Kid didn't look him in the eye that one time.

Jay Cutler keeps his mustache pencil-thin and trimmed low. His golden brown facial hair makes him appear rather effeminate and/or French. He could pass easily for a member of the post-war "new money," or a regular Clark Gable. All of these conflicting ideas are meant to illustrate our belief that Cutler looks to be the classier of the two. If you think style has no place in a football discussion, fine. Just stare at the win column.

The Bear Trap, Week 11: Kaepernick, Aldon Smith leave Bears reeling

2012-11-20T16:07:44Z

So submit to the deeply flawed claws of The Bear Trap. Because we all need a bogus penalty to extend our only scoring drive of the game sometimes.

Tim Jennings Honorary Game Ball - This week's Tim Jennings Honorary Game Ball goes to . . . no one. The award no longer exists. You see, we've dumped thousands of dollars into the upkeep of the trophy -- diamond encrustation, elaborate engravings, around-the-clock security, etc. All of that, however, was for naught, as, in a fit of rage, we jammed the trophy into the wood chipper Fargo-style. Out came little pieces of human shit and regret. If you've never seen little pieces of regret, trust us, you do not want to. This award has been a sham all these weeks. Like Fargo, there are no winners, only different degrees of losing.

The Optimist's Take - 49ers game? What game? No time to even acknowledge it, we're so focused on the future. Stop living in the past. Take a trip to Green Bay if you want to roll around in a puddle of tradition and lukewarm beer. We're just taking a peek at the upcoming schedule and WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?!?! Five winnable games and the Packers game. Make that SIX winnable games. We forgot this was the optimist's section for a second.

There's really only a few minor issues that need fixing: the entire offensive line, our franchise quarterback's oft-concussed brain, the punting game, the return game, a defense that has no interest in carrying the team for another half a season. Where's the faith? Three more wins! Say it with us! Three more wins!

The Pessimist's Take - Colin Kaepernick, in his first NFL start, was made to look better than Alex Smith ever will. Quarterback controversy? Let's wait and see what Kaepernick does against an elite defense. We've said it every single week and will continue to say it: the Bears are not very good when the defense isn't forcing four turnovers and scoring two touchdowns per game. The defense has come back to Earth, and not coincidentally, so has the team.

The offensive line was as effective as five pieces of plywood with a couple of googly eyes glued on. Aldon Smith reportedly was counting to "5 Mississippi" too fast. If the J'Marcus Webb experience is spilling coffee on yourself while driving, then the Gabe Carimi experience is the ensuing car wreck. Jim Harbaugh was entrusted with the cleanup and just decided to sweep everything to the side of the road and light it on fire before challenging for a meaningless two points.

Spare us the "Cutler would have made a load of difference" angle. Cutler would have thrown four interceptions and given 12 fucks. If Cutler had played, however, Chilo Rachel probably wouldn't have thrown the Bears' third best pass of the night.

Are the Bears STILL going to the Super Bowl?

NO. The Bears are going to lapse into a food coma this Thanksgiving and show no discernible difference from the way they looked Monday.

This Week's Adjective To Describe Jay Cutler - Absent. Cutler didn't make the trip to San Francisco this week as he continued to recover from his concussion. There's some players we wouldn't mind leaving in San Francisco regardless of whether suffered an injury or not. Just about all of them.

Number Of Fucks Given - 0 fucks given this week with an asterik next to the season total of 6 because we have no idea if Cutty gave any fucks from the comfort of his own home. Wouldn't it be fascinating to know how Cutty watched the game? Did he wear his authentic XL #15 jersey? Did he keep it down so as not to wake the baby? Did he turn the game off in the 2nd quarter and catch up on Homeland? These questions need answers.

Number Of Brandon Marshall Off-Field Incidents - 0, but he came dangerously close to an on-field incident.

Pic Of The Game - AP Photo/Tony Avelar

Colin Kaepernick and Aldon Smith, a pair of second year players who have just decimated the Bears on both sides of the ball, share a quick conversation on the sidelines.

Smith - They were talkin' like this was gonna be a tough test for you. [laughs]

Kaepernick - I know! Alex Smith makes it look a lot more difficult than it is.

Smith - He does! He totally does!

Kaepernick - How many sacks did you have? Five? I think you're leading the league now.

Smith - I am! It's been pretty easy for me too. I've just been running forward and waiting for them to trip over themselves.

Kaepernick - Cool. What's your favorite Thanksgiving food?

Smith - I'm all about the sweet potatoes.

Kaepernick - I'm more of a stuffing man, myself.

Requisite Packer Hate -

Packers fans must feel pretty good right about now after squeaking out a win against the lowly Lions and moving into first place in the division after the Bears' loss. Congratulations. Seriously, congratulations. But before you pull out the map to look up which state New Orleans is located in, let us remind you of what awaits next week. The New York Giants . . . at the Meadowlands . . . coming off an embarrassing loss to the Bengals . . . with an extra week to prepare. Good luck, as they say. You're going to need it. While you're waiting, enjoy the above video of the last time the two teams faced off. And if you're searching for reasons to be thankful this holiday season, you can start by thanking us for not embedding this.