SB Nation Chicago: All Posts by Dennis Tarwood

Kris Humphries' sham marriage has inspired a disco album

2012-11-02T16:01:47Z

Saturday, November 24, 1979. Micheal Ray Richardson stepped off the Madison Square Garden floor and into his loudest polyester ensemble. His eight points that night in a blowout win for the New York Knicks against the Cleveland Cavaliers were well in the rear view mirror by the time he hit the entrance of Studio 54.

Steve Rubell, co-owner and soon-to-be felon, met Micheal Ray at the door with a huge hug. Steve met everyone at the door. Studio 54's gatekeeper could never deny Micheal Ray entry. Richardson burst into the room with his arms raised to the roof and a huge grin on his face. He was home.

If Richardson had disappeared on the court earlier that night, he couldn't hide on the Studio 54 dance floor. Nor did he want to. Micheal Ray waded his way towards the stage slowly, being sure to be seen and then greet all he passed.

Eventually, he reached the footlights and reached out for Leo Vondracek. The lead singer for The Golden Bubbles traded an elaborate handshake with Micheal Ray while keeping the bass line moving on his guitar during "Above the Rim", the single off their new disco album, SEVENTY-TWO. Brother Christopher Vondracek gave him the double pistols while staying seated at the piano.

Micheal Ray Richardson dove back into the crowd for a wild night almost no one would remember the next morning. The Golden Bubbles kept the crowd gyrating to their latest album, a rumination on the Kim Kardashian-Kris Humpries marriage that lasted 72 days that has little to do with the facts and mostly focused on keeping the party rocketing fo...

... wait, what?

Okay, so The Golden Bubbles aren't a disco band from the late 70s. Instead, they're a 2012 pop disco sensation from Minneapolis with the soundtrack of NBA's opening night. You can close your eyes while listening to the waka-chicka of SEVENTY-TWO's "Above the Rim" and imagine Dr. J scooping a layup behind the backboard or Twiggy dragging you to the dance floor while Ryan O'Neal gives you the thumbs-up from the bar.

In fact, much of the music on this album is basketball-adjacent, told from Kris' POV. (Sample lyric: "I'm not who they say I am; I'm just a boy above the rim.") But honestly, if you're listening to disco for the lyrics ...

Everything to love about disco can be found in this impressionistic telling of the Kim'n'Kris crisis. Jangly piano, sweeping strings, R&B cool, irresistible melodies, and a straightforward disco dance song ("It's Your Night") guaranteed to get your finger pointing at the air and ground repeatedly.

So slide the volume down on your television tonight and crank up The Golden Bubbles on Bandcamp to recapture a time when the dress code was "No jive turkeys" and David Stern's mustache was still a baby caterpillar unknown to the L. This season was already guaranteed to start better than the last one, but that's no reason not to tip the scale in your favor with SEVENTY-TWO.

&amp;lt;a href="http://thegoldenbubbles.bandcamp.com/album/seventy-two" mce_href="http://thegoldenbubbles.bandcamp.com/album/seventy-two"&amp;gt;SEVENTY-TWO by The Golden Bubbles&amp;lt;/a&amp;gt;

NBA Predictions You Should Ignore Completely

2012-10-30T15:11:50Z

Ronnie Brewer is the new Jeremy Lin. That is, he also owns a New York Knicks jersey and a couch.
David Stern's farewell tour will involve visiting every NBA arena and breaking a nearby union.
Andrei Kirilenko's wife will premiere her new single on "Prairie Home Companion", followed by 20 minutes of buttermilk biscuits commercials while paramedics try to safely pry the knitting needles from Garrison Keillor's ears.
Chris Duhon will receive an NBA paycheck this year. On purpose. (Okay, it's not a prediction, but I just needed to see the words written out.)
Anaheim and Seattle will flirt with the Milwaukee Bucks in what can only be described as the ugliest three-way in U.S. metropolitan history. (I think we all remember the Gdansk/Dresden/Bruges drunken hookup none too fondly.)
Brian Scalabrine will be forced to rip off his suit coat and toss on a jersey in a quadruple-overtime thriller in Cleveland after a series of injuries to Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, Rajon Rondo, Paul Pierce, and Paul Pierce. Scalabrine will play 27 minutes and register zero statistics in a deeply inspiring manner.
Famed halftime act Quick Change will finally remove their remaining costumes and reveal their true selves to be the Houston Rockets.
Despite team turnover, the Pistons will stage another player revolt this season and move themselves to Windsor without permission from the league. No one will notice.
This is the year Violet Palmer's gonna make a good call. Bring a camera.
Stacey King will lose a bet with Chuck Swirsky. As punishment, Stacey will be forced to learn the real names of all Chicago Bulls players.
No one will quit on the Trail Blazers this season, nor will anyone sustain any career-threatening injuries. However, J.J. Hickson will imitate both simultaneously.
The Milwaukee Bucks will play 82 games but will be forced to provide paperwork to prove it at the end of the season because no one will remember them.
Dwight Howard will declare his new superhero identity is Animal Man, whose powers grant him the abilities of any animal. After a series of mid-level Hollywood meetings mangle the origin story, Dwight will star in a Manimal remake that makes Steel look like Superman II.

New York Knicks drown in mess of egos; Pistons' hopelessness falls on Dumars

2012-10-29T16:24:16Z

New York Knicks

I remain steadfastly unconvinced the New York Knicks braintrust has anything resembling a plan besides [vulgarity meant to describe fornication with a celestial object that would probably burn your genitalia to a crisp]. Or, more to the point, plans are jettisoned by the hour. We're told it's because the players' egos cannot stand the most logical solutions.

Carmelo Anthony doesn't want to play power forward because of egos. Amar'e Stoudemire won't come off the bench because of egos. Jason Kidd received three guaranteed years at age 73 because of egos. Mike Woodson's only job is to massage egos because of egos. Raymond Felton ate the last six toaster waffles from the pre-game spread because of Eggos. And so on.

If we can avoid toasting our own long-term memories, we will all remember how little ego played into Jeremy Lin's ascension in New York last winter. Amar'e limped in joy. Carmelo limped in joy. Tyson Chandler was thrilled someone noticed he was on the court when the Knicks had ball possession, too. The stirrers of excrement attempted to foment dissent in the first few days of Linsanity and failed miserably. This team, against all odds, was a team.

That's not to say there aren't egos. However, they're the egos of talented and productive workers that have had success under certain conditions and believe firmly they can contribute again under those conditions. It's not perfect, but it's understandable.

The only ego to fear in New York City is the one whose last successful act was to come from the right sperm donor. The first and last fruitful straight shot in James Dolan's life has left the Knicks front office lurching, Knicks players miscast as prima donnas, and Knicks fans lurching from one wishful plan to the next. Jeremy Lin is gone because of egos. That's the truly damaging ego.

There's talent on this team, much of it aging and some of that aging premature. (I see you, Amar'e's knee. Like, way too much.) Almost all of it is a Name. Barring significant injuries, the Knicks will win more than they lose in the Eastern Conference.

Unless Ronnie Brewer goes full Lin this winter, though, there isn't much to celebrate here. It will hurt to watch Melo pound the ball while Tyson waves his long arm futilely. Amar'e's going to have that towel around his neck more than he should.

Bonus prediction: Iman Shumpert will play the first ever lockdown defense in the frosh/soph All-Star contest, thrilling all 12 home viewers and 3,000 bussed children in attendance and rating the highest plus/minus in All-Star weekend history besides Magic Johnson's 1992 All-Star layup line performance.

Detroit Pistons

Two weeks ago, Yahoo! Sports' Adrian Wojnarowski wrote a stirring defense of Joe Dumars' fallow period as Detroit Pistons President of Basketball Operations. In no particular order, Woj offers the following reasons for the Pistons' problems:

The death of two of Dumars' brothers
The death of the owner, Bill Davidson
Ownership sale gridlock
Detroit's economic collapse
The petulance of the players during their not-so-silent protest
John Kuester
The losing itself
And, oh, by the way: Joe Dumars' own actions

But that's okay because two other teams totally wanted Dumars recently so he's still a vital force in the league so he shouldn't be fired please please Mr. Tom Gores sir please.

That can't be a comforting list for Pistons fans. Who could have succeeded with all those weights lashed around their ankles? After all, who could have foreseen the passing of an 86-year-old man in failing health and prepared a succession plan in advance? Who saddled a grumpy team with John Kuester in the first place? And how does 9/11 play into this?

As Wojnarowski points out, there are players on which to dream, especially in Greg Monroe. Mostly, though, the Pistons are a team begging you to conflate youth with potential. Don't fall for it. And don't expect Joe Dumars to turn this around. I mean, look at that list above: the only man in Detroit who could rescue the Pistons from this mess is Alex Cross.

Jeremy Lin, Rockets face uphill battle; Grizzlies unable to improve over offseason (NBA Western Conference preview)

2012-10-17T15:32:04Z

Houston Rockets

The Houston Rockets are an object lesson in probability and another reminder to Chicago Bulls fans to be humble about their station this season. The Bulls pulled Derrick Rose's draft slot out of their 1.7% ping pong ball hole, saving them from the Rockets' asset acquisition free-for-all by giving Jerry Reinsdorf and Friends the star to build around (but not too much lest money be spent). The Bulls' front office politburo never had to work as hard as Rockets GM Daryl Morey, who made 67,234 trades and acquisitions in the last 24 months.

The last two offseasons' flailings have left coach Kevin McHale with a veritable navy of misfits, miscreants, and mysteries. Cobbling Jeremy Lin, Omer Asik, Jeremy Lamb, Kevin Martin, Patrick Patterson, and the occasionally grounded Royce White into a ragtag band will be doubly frustrating because there's no reason to believe this roster has solidified at all. Kevin Martin will stay on this roster until he shows a solid three weeks' results to the league.

While Bulls fans gnaw on their fingernails waiting out Rose's return, remember that your team could easily be the Rockets. Hell, Daryl Morey will trade you the Rockets for the Bulls and 16 first round picks. What's the probability you'll go for that?

Pictured: Daryl Morey preparing to sell Jimmy Dolan a case of Dingle Hoppers.

Rockets prediction: 15 bobblehead nights and The Legends Series, six celebrations of former Rockets greats who are willing to show up and accept a little statue in return for boosting attendance by 2,000.

Memphis Grizzlies

Imagine you're working in the mail room for a company with a personnel logjam, leaving you zero opportunities for a promotion within the mail room. Forget about getting out of the back room for a long time.

But then Phil from Accounting gets caught canoodling on the copier with Alice, the brunette with the gum-snapping tick in the cubicle adjacent from you. Now her position's open and Yolanda down the hall slides into Accounting when everyone there moves up a slot.

Sadly, you need this to happen about six more times before you escape the drudgery of schlepping packages around the office. Everyone acknowledges you're productive at an above-average pace, though your tendency to take sick days at the worst possible time seems to hurt your case for the big prize. At least you're not in Custodial Services, you tell yourself, but what do you need to do to break free from the middle floor?

The Memphis Grizzlies have a new owner, newfound health, and another year of team and personal growth. However, no one's coming through that door to add a skill set that makes them champions due to sizable contracts and the new collective bargaining agreement. Therefore, they need to show up for work every day and hope:

Steve Nash ran out of the Phoenix training staff's magic elixir in the move to Los Angeles
Tim Duncan returns to King Arthur's time to cure cousin Darrell Arthur for good
the Oklahoma City Thunder are all felled by injuries caused by laughing too violently at Kendrick Perkins' "I'm being totally serious and morose here, guys" face
the Denver Nuggets run themselves out of the gym (literally, causing a series of forfeits)
and the Los Angeles Clippers forgot to fire Vinny Del Negro in the offseason.

So that's one down. And did we mention that LeBron James has to be convinced again that the low post is hot lava?

Pictured: Just another Grizzlies season kicking off.

Grizzlies prediction: Another second-round exit but numerous opportunities for Memphis TV stations to fête their new celebrity masters with fawning interviews

Carlos Boozer prepared for season with his children's trainer

2012-10-12T18:50:18Z

The indefatigable Scott Powers of ESPN Chicago tracked down Carlos Boozer on the playground to talk about Boozer's offseason workouts. The Booz went shopping for a new trainer because "things I was doing before wasn't getting me to be where I wanted to be at."

He didn't have to hunt far for his offseason workout guru. In what can only be called a back-to-basics approach, Carlos Boozer hired the man that works out his children.

Honestly, it's a wonder why no one has thought of this before. Adults with disposable cash are dying to re-connect with their youth. Why are there adult kickball leagues? Superhero movies? Therapists? When were we in the best shape of our lives, really?

And wouldn't you prefer this workout to the one you grind through (or don't bother with) right now?

warm up in the ball pit
once around the jungle gym
Slip'n'Slide
bouncy castle
Zumba
and cool down in the ball pit

Unless... unless that isn't the kind of training this trainer does. Maybe he's the one that turned Boozer's kids into Miami Heat fans. What if Boozer comes back and stinks up the place every time he plays the Heat because his new family trainer inserted brainwashing suggestions, Manchurian Candidate-style?

Oh God. It already happened.

Scalsanity Over: Brian Scalabrine's Nonsense Negotiations Finally End

2012-09-07T17:59:00Z

When you really want to know about China's economy, don't look at the economic data. Instead, count the coal. Don't be distracted by the Pussy Riot grrls in Moscow. Rather, turn your attention to Vladivostok and follow the natural gas.

And, for all that is holy and good, do not ask the Chicago Bulls organization what they're doing. Remember how draft night led to every first round pick being leaked 60 seconds before announcement except for the Bulls? It's like trying to get water from a stone if the stone also has a gun and nothing to lose.

If you know who contributed to what decisions over the last few years, you're more than connected: you're a Goddamned Jedi. (Except luxury tax decisions. No need for midi-chlorians there.)

So why did we know so much about Brian Scalabrine's month?

We sure seemed to hear a lot recently about Scalabrine leaked from the nuclear submarine of NBA organizations, from Sam Smith's squishy love letter a month ago to the "in line" coronation for an assistant coaching job two weeks ago to Scalabrine's acceptance of a trial broadcasting gig back in Boston and letting slip his NBA retirement announcement today.

Would the Bulls front office let anyone else spend two weeks weighing a high-profile job offer on a highly respected staff with an 11-game color analyst tryout? And would they let them do so while letting the news wave in the media wind?

Or did the Month of Scalabrine serve the Reinsdorf Politburo by:

Distracting from a month of wailing and gnashing of teeth about the woeful prospects of the 2012-2013 Bulls
Showing the Bulls didn't let Scalabrine head back for a well-paid talent role without a fight
Allowing a certain crusty former Celtics assistant coach to lend Scalabrine bargaining power in his CSNE negotiations

And Scalabrine was no mark. He earned:

The appearance he fought for his career before retiring and controlled his fate ("Saying no to Thibs was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make")
Said negotiating leverage
A month of headlines to remind the league he's still alive and available

None of it is illegal. Some of it is quite touching if true. But it doesn't mean we have to report it all as news because we get bored easily in August (and don't be surprised it didn't happen in September) or because we loved the first time around with Scalabrine. After all, that's how we ended up with pod racing and Jar Jar Binks.

Mark it now: if the Bulls are below .500 in January, Horace Grant gets a statue and Hayden Christensen signs a 10-day contract.

Euro 2012: Chicago Soccer Bars To Know

2012-06-06T13:00:20Z

Euro 2012 kicks off Friday, June 8th, and continues its midday (Chicago time) festivities for most of the month of June. All games can be seen Stateside on the ESPN family of networks, so you might be tempted to sneak in a game or two on ESPN3.com or at home if you're bloggerly employed.

However, if you want the most authentic viewing experience outside of traveling to eastern Europe (and, for some of us, that's not an option), get thee to one of the many wonderful soccer-friendly bars in Chicago. The diversity of the city's population combined with its lust for alcohol consumption make Chicago one of the best places in the United States to catch a football match among like-minded individuals.

SB Nation Chicago offers below the Official SB Nation Chicago Euro 2012 Soccer Bar List. Inclusion on this list means the bar and its patrons are enthusiastic about the tournament and will surround you with those who know European soccer better than you. This list does not imply bar endorsement, drinking endorsement, or three-hour-lunch-hour-with-your-new-closest-friends endorsement. Okay, maybe the last one.

Please leave your suggestions for list updates as a comment on this post or to the author on Twitter (@tuffyr). This article will be updated throughout the tournament with your favorite places to view the games abroad.

Litmus test: When called, none of these places asked if the games were on ESPN or suggested you can totally ask the bartender to flip over when you get there. In fact, they may be so popular that you should call ahead to reserve a spot (if you can).

View Chicago's Euro 2012 Soccer Bars in a larger map

The Globe Pub
1934 W. Irving Park Rd., Chicago
Country of preference: All of them. It's the Globe.
Specials: It's the Globe. It's already special.
One-liner: The Grande Dame of Chicago soccer bars

Small Bar-Division
2049 W. Division St., Chicago
Country of preference: None
Specials: Special food menu likely planned
One-liner: Fancy-pants food and a tradition of soccer viewing in a tiny space

AJ Hudson's Public House
3801 N Ashland Ave., Chicago
Country of preference: England, perhaps
Specials: The usual daily specials
One-liner: The former Ginger's Ale House may have a new coat of paint, but her gender reassignment surgery hasn't caused her to lose interest in footie.

Celtic Knot Pub
626 Church St., Evanston
Country of preference: Ireland
Specials: The usual daily specials
One-liner: So you can't make it into the city? Evanston has its own Euro soccer home.

Abbey Pub
3420 W. Grace, Chicago
Country of preference: None
Specials: Burgers $5
One-liner: One of the classic soccer bars in Chicago; occasionally, they play music there in the evenings, too

Cleo's Bar
1935 West Chicago Ave., Chicago
Country of preference: Ukraine/Poland
Specials: None listed on the web site
One-liner: Not every bar in the city is obsessed with the luck of the Irish; the rest are Notre Dame bars

The Atlantic Bar
5062 N. Lincoln Ave., Chicago
Country of preference: Ireland
Specials: Euro 2012 beer specials all month
One-liner: The Chicago Fire's supporters group, Section 8, meets here monthly

Fadó Irish Pub
100 W. Grand Ave., Chicago
Country of preference: Ireland
Specials: A Match Day Menu that brings the price down to a reasonable range for a tourist joint in River North
One-liner: Yes, it's a tourist spot near Theme Restaurant Row, but that doesn't dismiss its above-average food and excellent TV setup

Sedgwick's Bar & Grill
1935 N. Sedgwick St., Chicago
Country of preference: Holland, bless their souls
Specials: Regular specials
One-liner: I have no idea what the Home of Dutch Soccer looks like, but I'm dying to find out

Timothy O'Toole's Pub
622 N. Fairbanks Ct., Chicago
Country of preference: None
Specials: None
One-liner: I like the one in Gurnee just fine, but I don't know how much of a soccer crowd they draw

Mystic Celt
3443 N. Southport Ave., Chicago
Emerald Loop
216 N. Wabash Ave., Chicago
Vaughan's Pub - Lakeview
2917 N. Sheffield Ave., Chicago
Vaughan's Pub - Northwest Side
5485 N. Northwest Hwy., Chicago
Corcoran's Grill & Pub
1615 N. Wells St., Chicago
Country of preference: Ireland
Specials: Nothing listed on the web sites
One-liner: Mystic Celt is a perfectly serviceable Irish pub that regularly hosts international viewing events. I imagine the other Vaughan Hospitality locations are similar.

Café Ibérico (added 06/08/12)
737 N. LaSalle St., Chicago
Country of preference: Spain
Specials: None
One-liner: According to the Chicago Sun-Times, this tapas bar lit up for Spain during the 2010 World Cup.

Elephant & Castle (added 06/13/12)
111 W. Adams St., Chicago
160 E. Huron St., Chicago
185 N. Wabash Ave., Chicago
Country of preference: England
Specials: None
One-liner: I personally inspected the Wabash location of this chain pub for Netherlands/Germany and found it quite lively for a mid-week late afternoon match with iffy TVs but decent grub and a worthy beer selection. I did worry about all the mirth for the German team in an English pub, however.

Your SB Nation Chicago Big Hurt Beer Taste Test

2012-06-04T13:00:31Z

As part of SB Nation Chicago's core mission to bring you only the vital news that affects your life most, we dared to try Frank Thomas' Big Hurt Beer.

Yes, we could have taken on a six-part investigative series into the political tentacles of Joe Ricketts and killed our chances at that sweet, sweet Super PAC ad money. We could have tackled the effects of concussions in youth football, but it slipped under us. We could have broken up a child labor ring, but people seem to like AAU teams.

But no; we know what you need. You need to know what beer flows from the inspiration of the former Oakland Athletics batsman. Therefore, we recently picked up two 24 oz. beasts racked with 7.0% ABV goodness for sampling purposes. Consider the following review to be your public health warning of the week.

Big Hurt Beer claims to be a malt liquor. It also claims to be a beer. The fact that this beverage's makers can assert both without having to prove either shows the dangers of a weak central government.

Of my small test group, only two people dared to try Big Hurt Beer: a close friend who believes in consuming a bottle of hot sauce with every meal and me. No one else would touch the stuff after I consumed one sip and then reflexively tried to set the can on fire.

I imagine syphilitic horses urinated into bags of sugar until the sugar supersaturated the piss. This vulgar concoction was then injected with a mixture of carbon monoxide and Albert Belle's farts until the container nearby burst from the pressure. Cans made from barely recycled aluminum became the lucky recipient of this tainted brew just until it could reach my cursed lips.

I imagine all this because I can't imagine actual brewing processes were involved with the creation of Big Hurt Beer. I am open to other interpretations.

This leaves LandShark as the best commonly available beer created by a famous person. This isn't due to extraordinary quality from Jimmy Buffett because it's already public knowledge I made up that LandShark is made by adding carbonation to the syrup used to make alcoholic lollipops. Which isn't all bad but is probably felonious.