As part of SB Nation Chicago's core mission to bring you only the vital news that affects your life most, we dared to try Frank Thomas' Big Hurt Beer.
Yes, we could have taken on a six-part investigative series into the political tentacles of Joe Ricketts and killed our chances at that sweet, sweet Super PAC ad money. We could have tackled the effects of concussions in youth football, but it slipped under us. We could have broken up a child labor ring, but people seem to like AAU teams.
But no; we know what you need. You need to know what beer flows from the inspiration of the former Oakland Athletics batsman. Therefore, we recently picked up two 24 oz. beasts racked with 7.0% ABV goodness for sampling purposes. Consider the following review to be your public health warning of the week.
Big Hurt Beer claims to be a malt liquor. It also claims to be a beer. The fact that this beverage's makers can assert both without having to prove either shows the dangers of a weak central government.
Of my small test group, only two people dared to try Big Hurt Beer: a close friend who believes in consuming a bottle of hot sauce with every meal and me. No one else would touch the stuff after I consumed one sip and then reflexively tried to set the can on fire.
I imagine syphilitic horses urinated into bags of sugar until the sugar supersaturated the piss. This vulgar concoction was then injected with a mixture of carbon monoxide and Albert Belle's farts until the container nearby burst from the pressure. Cans made from barely recycled aluminum became the lucky recipient of this tainted brew just until it could reach my cursed lips.
I imagine all this because I can't imagine actual brewing processes were involved with the creation of Big Hurt Beer. I am open to other interpretations.
This leaves LandShark as the best commonly available beer created by a famous person. This isn't due to extraordinary quality from Jimmy Buffett because it's already public knowledge I made up that LandShark is made by adding carbonation to the syrup used to make alcoholic lollipops. Which isn't all bad but is probably felonious.