Celebrating 4/20 With Chicago's Premier Athletes

DISCLAIMER: This article is not meant to glorify marijuana use or implicate any of the following players. I'm sure none of these fine athletes have ever taken part in this illegal activity, excluding the ones who have been caught. Marijuana is the devil and has only aided in the making of the greatest music ever made and scoring 45 points on Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl. With that in mind, if any of these world-class athletes - the role models to our children - were to partake, this is what would happen.

Geovany Soto: You know what would be really great right now? What? A McFlurry. Oh yeah. Geo has the best ideas but he's going to need you to drive. He has a high-profile job and can't afford to get pulled over in this state. It's OK. He's just going to crouch down in the back seat and you can drive to the McDonald's drive-thru - it's only ten minutes away. You get to the drive-thru and Geo can't decide which flavor he wants. They all seem so good. Oreo, M&M, even Heath. Get one of each. Money isn't an issue. You know what we should do when we get home? What? Watch The Wall. Geo has the best ideas.

Derrick Rose: Don't expect the lazy night you had with Geo. Derrick still needs to get his shots up. We'll play a little one-on-one, he says. You'd prefer to sit around and watch YouTube videos of people taking the Cinnamon Challenge. But it's Derrick Rose, so you pretty much have to do what he wants. Your game resembles an over-40 rec league. A lot of dribbling off the foot. A lot of slow motion crossovers. Both of you settle almost entirely on jump shots and can't be bothered to chase down a rebound. Sloppy basketball. The Charlotte Bobcats play every game high.

Jeff Samardzija: Shark has some smart friends who never seem to shut up. Not 'let's discuss the shifting gender roles in America' smart. More like 'what do you think of the Anthropic Principle' smart? You don't understand a word they're saying. Just sit in the corner, laugh when they laugh, and ponder something when they ponder something. You don't want to be rude, but you'd rather leave. Jeff smoked you up, though, and you'd feel bad just bailing on him. You can put up with a few hours of their intellectual masturbation as long as there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Joakim Noah: DO NOT smoke with Joakim Noah. He's going to pull out a totally unfamiliar device that causes you to pass out at the sight of it. You wake up momentarily to Brad Miller (THIS Brad Miller), in Juggalo face paint, staring at you while you were passed out. You aren't fully functional for two days. You've lost your job. Your wife has called you approximately 472 times in the last two days wondering where your cheatin' ass is. You've lost everything. I repeat: DO NOT smoke with Joakim Noah.

Matt Forte: Remember the Dave Chappelle skit where he says he's stopped smoking with black people because they only want to talk about their trials and tribulations? White people, by contrast, just want to talk about all the other times they've gotten high. This is exactly how you feel about Matt Forte. He gives you the same old story about his contract situation. They don't appreciate me, he says. They show no loyalty. You understand, but you're not really trying to hear it when you have to be to work at 7-Eleven at 8 in the morning.

Ryan Dempster: Who invited this asshole? Not me, you say. No one at this party likes Ryan, and yet, he still manages to get an invite. He sneaks his way into the session and everyone knows where this is headed. Not a repeat of last Saturday. Please not a repeat of last Saturday. Sure enough, who wants to hear my Harry Caray impression? Before anyone can emphatically answer, "NO!" he's already at it. Beautiful day here at Wrigley...Hey, pass Harry some of that green ivy. There's the stereotype that stoners laugh at everything. Not true. Especially when Ryan is doing his Harry Caray impression.

Devin Hester: Devin always has the hook-up. Problem is, he takes the most circuitous route to get to the spot. He's giving you directions and five minutes later, you're farther away than when you began your journey. Trust me, he says. You just have to trust me. It's getting harder to trust him because you're on the highway now, about to cross the state line. Now you're in kind of a run down subdivision and Devin has you turn around. You head back to your house and Devin tells you to take an immediate right. You turn and there's the guy. Standing right there at the Stop sign. I told you we'd get there, Devin beams. The place was right up the block and should have taken a minute at most. Devin has taken you on a wild goose chase 18 times in the last six years. You trust him again.

Brian Scalabrine: Don't judge a book by its cover. I bet you're into Bon Iver, someone shouts across the room to Brian. No. I've never heard of Bon Iverson. This whole scene is lame. He never seems to fit in anywhere. What is this crap playing on the stereo? He's had enough. There seems to be a lull in the party. Brian heads out to his car and pulls out one of CDs, scratched up from heavy use. The album is Doggystyle and Brian throws it on at the party. He skips over to "Ain't No Fun." To everyone's surprise, he knows the song, and the rest of the album word for word. You can finally see why he's been in the Association so long. Now we fit to spark, he motions to you. Mamba.

Robbie Gould: Robbie has never done this before but he's curious. Do you want to try, you ask him. No, no, I couldn't. Just take a hit. And he does. Everything is fine for a few minutes and then Robbie starts to freak out. I can't breathe, he says. You're fine. No, I'm dying. I can't feel anything. You're going to be OK. Lay down on the couch. Robbie lays down and you get him a glass of water. I really think something is wrong, one of the girls says. Damnit, you say. Now he's convinced everyone. Alright, you're going to need everyone to clear out. Let Robbie be. You all are psyching him out. Robbie falls asleep and swears never to do this again.

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